Auld Lang Whine


It's hardly a coincidence

that New Year's Day arrives

So closely behind Christmas,

when every parent strives

To count the many goofs & gaffes

& errors of their ways

Vowing never to repeat them

during future holidays.

Happily, I'm here to help;

See, I'm a parent, too.

And I'll survive the season

with two kids count 'em two,

Whereas most other moms and dads

have very nearly cracked

I'm coming through with almost all

of my s-s-sanity intact.

Take my word, I know the score,

And I can help ensure

That all forthcoming Yuletides

will be easy to endure.

Just copy down these rules of thumb,

imprint them in your brain,

And never will your Christmas

be a living Hell again.

Resolution No. 1 is "Never, ever take

Your children to a Santa Claus

whose beard is clearly fake."

Secondly, please promise,

that if you break Rule One,

You'll reprimand the monsters

when they grab the beard and run.

Resolution No. 3 is

"Make your nippers happy!

Be sure to get them what they want

whether costly, crude or crappy."

'Cause if you don't, you will not hear

the end of it, not ever ...

Until you finally buy the thing

(Ooooh, those tykes are clever!)

If your tiny tot's still rug-bound,

then Resolution Four

Is to stack your gift-wrapped gifts

anywhere but on the floor.

If you don't, come Christmas morn,

you'll really feel the fool

When the stuff that's not half-eaten

is awash in baby drool.

Something else you should resolve

If the kids are under 3

Is to never let your offspring

help you decorate the tree.

If you do (here's No. 5),

don't carry on and whine

When guests mistake your happy home

for a working tinsel mine.

No. 6 is "Never underestimate their greed;

No. 7's "Never give 'em stuff you think they NEED";

No. 8 is, "If you must, give cotton clothes, not silk."

No. 9 is "Store Dad's eggnog separate from the milk."

In closing, let me offer

Resolution No. 10

For perfect future Christmases

no matter where or when:

Keep the kiddies in the dark;

don't spill the date, resist it.

Then December 26th you gasp,

"Oh, gosh darn, we missed it!"

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