It's hardly a coincidence
that New Year's Day arrives
So closely behind Christmas,
when every parent strives
To count the many goofs & gaffes
& errors of their ways
Vowing never to repeat them
during future holidays.
Happily, I'm here to help;
See, I'm a parent, too.
And I'll survive the season
with two kids count 'em two,
Whereas most other moms and dads
have very nearly cracked
I'm coming through with almost all
of my s-s-sanity intact.
Take my word, I know the score,
And I can help ensure
That all forthcoming Yuletides
will be easy to endure.
Just copy down these rules of thumb,
imprint them in your brain,
And never will your Christmas
be a living Hell again.
Resolution No. 1 is "Never, ever take
Your children to a Santa Claus
whose beard is clearly fake."
Secondly, please promise,
that if you break Rule One,
You'll reprimand the monsters
when they grab the beard and run.
Resolution No. 3 is
"Make your nippers happy!
Be sure to get them what they want
whether costly, crude or crappy."
'Cause if you don't, you will not hear
the end of it, not ever ...
Until you finally buy the thing
(Ooooh, those tykes are clever!)
If your tiny tot's still rug-bound,
then Resolution Four
Is to stack your gift-wrapped gifts
anywhere but on the floor.
If you don't, come Christmas morn,
you'll really feel the fool
When the stuff that's not half-eaten
is awash in baby drool.
Something else you should resolve
If the kids are under 3
Is to never let your offspring
help you decorate the tree.
If you do (here's No. 5),
don't carry on and whine
When guests mistake your happy home
for a working tinsel mine.
No. 6 is "Never underestimate their greed;
No. 7's "Never give 'em stuff you think they NEED";
No. 8 is, "If you must, give cotton clothes, not silk."
No. 9 is "Store Dad's eggnog separate from the milk."
In closing, let me offer
Resolution No. 10
For perfect future Christmases
no matter where or when:
Keep the kiddies in the dark;
don't spill the date, resist it.
Then December 26th you gasp,
"Oh, gosh darn, we missed it!"