There is a magazine I don't read called Men's Health. I don't know why I feel the need to tell you I don't read it except maybe this nagging fear that real men don't read health magazines. But somebody at the Baltimore Sun apparently does, because there was an article in that paper about an article in the current issue of Men's Health.
Seems that Men's Health ran this story that tried to define the "average guy" based on what he likes and dislikes, what he does and doesn't do, and what he thinks and doesn't think.
Where did they get this information? "From university studies, research projects, and government reports," the article in the Baltimore Sun said.
According to Men's Health, the average guy drinks 3.3 cups of coffee and 1.2 alcoholic beverages a day, eats fast food 1.4 times a week, indulges in steak twice a week, and downs 245 eggs a year.
Considering the above, it's no surprise that he brushes his teeth 1.9 times a day, and that the odds are 1-in-5 he is at least 30 pounds overweight.
The writer of the Baltimore Sun article is not identified, but I suspect it is a woman because after highlighting the Men's Health article she adds "some categories and statistics the magazine may have overlooked." These include:
Has a 1-in-1,000 chance of putting the cap back on the toothpaste.
Has a 1-in-365 chance of remembering his mother-in-law's birthday.
Has a 1-in-15 chance of remembering what day in the second half of June is his own anniversary.
Watches "Jaws" 4.7 times a year.
Slinks into a Victoria's Secret and buys the absolutely wrong item three times a year.
Has a 1-in-1.5 million chance of remembering to lower the seat in the bathroom.
Has a 1-in-2 chance of not shaving on the weekend.
Rather than taking offense at the cheap shots this Baltimore Sun writer has chosen to take at us guys, I propose we take her list a step further and profile the average Rim country guy.
My reasons for doing this are two. First, it shows how good-natured and fun-loving we Rim country guys are. And second, it shows Ms. Baltimore Sun writer that everything is relative, and that maybe the average Baltimore guy is more noble than she thinks (at least compared to the average Rim country guy).
So here, without further ado, we present...
The Average Rim Country Guy List
The average Rim country guy:
Has a 1-in-2 chance of owning a green Payson Concrete & Materials cap.
Has 10 times more T-shirts than ties.
Has a 1-in-2 chance of having his Payson Concrete & Materials cap on right now.
Has a 1-in-100 chance of remembering his mother-in-law's name. (Vegas will not even give odds on a Rim country guy's remembering her birthday.)
Has a 1-in-1 chance of considering his Payson Concrete & Materials cap his most prized possession.
Watches "The Big Lebowsky" 4.7 times a year.
Has a 1-in-2 chance of wearing his Payson Concrete & Materials cap to bed.
Has a 1-in-4 chance of even owning a toilet seat. (Is that a solution to an age-old problem, or what?)
If he has a Payson Concrete & Materials cap, has a 1-in-12 chance of being a Payson Town Councilman.
Eats fast food 19 times a week.
Chances are you wouldn't want to touch his Payson Concrete & Materials cap.
Has a 1-in-3 chance of going bowling on his anniversary (with or without her).
Has a matching green T-shirt to go with his Payson Concrete & Materials cap for anniversaries and other special occasions.
Has a 1-in-1 chance of not shaving on the weekend.
If he has a Payson Concrete & Materials cap, chances are 1-in-27 he could one day be mayor. (Only in the Rim country...)
I don't know George Randall, owner of Payson Concrete & Materials, and I've never bought concrete (let alone "materials") from him, but I have two requests in exchange for all the free publicity this column has given him.
1. Since a Payson Concrete & Materials cap is the ultimate status symbol for Rim country guys, I really want one. (P.S. So does my editor, Jerry Thebado who is from Minnesota.)
2. Just to make things interesting, would you also send a Payson Concrete & Materials cap to the lady writer at the Baltimore Sun.
With any luck that one cap will multiply the way they have in the Rim country. Then maybe she'll appreciate just how good she HAD it.