If the figures are to be believed, Mike Smith of Payson is not an average American guy.
Neither is his son, Mike Smith of Payson.
And their friend Mike Smith, who also lives in Payson, agrees despite what's said about all three of them in Men's Health magazine.
Let us explain.
In its current issue, Men's Health draws from government reports, university studies, private research projects and other sources to piece together every conceivable statistic humans could ever want to know and some we'd be better off not knowing about the average American guy, whose average American-guy name is, the survey says, Mike Smith.
How reliable are those statistics? Not very, according to the three Mike Smiths who live right here.
The eldest Mike Smith is a 49-year-old newspaper distributor and the father of our youngest Mike Smith, a 17-year-old landscaper. The third Mike Smith, 47, makes dentures. He became friends with the first two Mike Smiths when they kept getting telephone calls for the Mike Smith neither of them happened to be.
Still with us?
In what is probably a futile effort to increase reader comprehension of this story, the latter Mike Smith will henceforth be referred to as Denture Mike which is his actual nickname. The eldest Mike Smith will become, for our purposes, Mike Senior. His son will be called Mike Junior, even though the lad isn't really a "junior," per se. He's just ... well, Mike Smith.
And then there are the two additional Mike Smiths who live in Tonto Basin, one of which we managed to contact by telephone. This 53-year-old Mike Smith shall be identified as Mike W. Smith to avoid any possible litigation by Mike E. Smith of Tonto Basin, who did not return our call.
So. Here are the Men's Health findings about Mike Smith, followed by our own Mike Smiths' comments regarding how well they stack up as average American guys...
Fact. Mike Smith gains about 1.1 pounds per year.
Mike Senior: I haven't gained a pound since I was 15.
Mike Junior: I wish I could.
Denture Mike: There's no problem at all with me gaining weight. But that sounds low, unfortunately.
Mike W. Smith: That number's off. It's low.
Fact. He has a 1-in-4 chance of cheating on his wife.
Mike Senior: Too late for me. I'm too old.
Mike Junior: I'm not married, but I wouldn't.
Mike W. Smith: Wouldn't happen.
Denture Mike: Never. My wife would kill me.
Fact. If he is 40, he can balance on one foot for nine seconds.
All three of Payson's Mike Smiths balanced on one foot for 18 seconds before getting horribly bored. Mike W. Smith swore by phone he could do it if given a good reason but a newspaper reporter's polite request didn't qualify.
Fact. He takes about 14 minutes to have sex.
Mike Senior: No comment. My wife will read this, and I'll be in trouble.
Mike Junior: Low.
Denture Mike: Low.
Mike W. Smith: Low.
Fact. He engages in sexual activity 79 times per year, or 1.5 times a week.
Mike Senior: That's about right.
Denture Mike: That's right.
Mike Junior (grinning): Low.
Senior Mike: Well, heck, he's only 17!
Mike W. Smith: High.
Fact. He is almost 5-feet, 10-inches tall.
Mike Senior: I'm over six.
Mike Junior: Over six.
Denture Mike: Five-eleven.
Mike W. Smith: Pretty close.
Fact. He is 175 pounds
Mike Senior: I weigh 165.
Mike Junior: I weigh 165.
Denture Mike: I'm at 200.
Mike W. Smith: I'm 250.
Fact. He brushes his teeth 1.9 times per day.
Mike Senior: Never. I got my dentures from Denture Mike.
Mike Junior: Barely.
Denture Mike: Twice a day for me.
Mike W. Smith: That number is high.
Fact. He eats fast food 1.4 times a week.
Mike Senior and Denture Mike: That's about right.
Mike Junior: Low. I eat fast food two or three times a day.
Mike W. Smith: I don't eat fast food anymore.
Fact. He eats steak twice a week.
Mike Senior: High.
Mike Junior: Once a week at the most.
Denture Mike: So far this week I've had it three times.
Mike W. Smith: I'm right at twice a week.
Fact. The odds are one in five that he's at least 30 pounds overweight.
Mike Senior: Wrong.
Mike Junior: Wrong.
Denture Mike: Right.
Mike W. Smith: Yep.
Fact. He sleeps about 6.9 hours per worknight.
Mike Senior: Low. I shoot for eight hours a night.
Mike Junior: I get 10, 10 and a half.
Denture Mike: I get about six and a half hours.
Mike W. Smith: That's probably low, I try to get a good eight.
Fact. He drinks 3.3 cups of coffee per day.
Mike Senior: Way off. I drink coffee all day long, 12, 15 cups.
Denture Mike: I'm just as bad as him. All day. I have a big urn, and I don't like to get too far from it.
Mike Junior: Maybe one cup a day for me.
Mike W. Smith: I used to drink coffee, but not anymore.
Fact. He drinks 1.2 alcoholic drinks per day.
Mike Senior: I don't drink alcohol.
Mike Junior: I can't.
Denture Mike: That sounds about like my average.
Mike W. Smith: That's low. I'm at two to three per day.
Fact. He earns about $36,100 per year.
Mike Senior: That's a little high.
Mike Junior: I wish.
Denture Mike: That's high. Don't forget, we live in Payson.
Mike W. Smith (of Tonto Basin): That's low.
Fact. He owes $2,563 on his credit cards.
Mike Senior: Way high.
Mike Junior: I don't have any credit cards.
Denture Mike: Way high.
Mike W. Smith: High.
Fact. He has $3,100 in the bank.
Mike Junior: Boy, that's nice to know!
Mike Senior: High.
Denture Mike: Since I just added 700 square feet to my house, that's way high.
Mike W. Smith: Low.
Having reached the conclusion of this comparison test, all of our Mike Smiths were asked if they feel like average American guys.
"Yeah, I think so," answered Mike Junior, "but it doesn't have anything to do with my name."
Mike Senior: "I try not to be average. To win, you have to be 1-percent smarter than the other guy. I try to do that in all areas of my life, but mostly it's attitude and positive thinking."
Denture Mike: "I think I'm pretty average. By being persistent, I've set myself up pretty well. I have a house and a nice little life. No complaints. If that's average, that's me!
"I'm not at all average," said Mike W. Smith. "In fact, I was the original Mike Smith. All the other Mike Smiths are imitations of the real thing."
THE FINAL TALLY
Based on the statistics scientifically gathered by this newspaper during the course of a 15-minute interview in which all four Mike Smiths appeared to be paying attention, it can now be revealed beyond any doubt that the Rim country's average Mike Smith:
Is 41.5 years old, compared to the Men's Health Mike Smith, who is 34.4 years old
Gains 1/3 pound each year and is 15 pounds overweight
Would never cheat on his wife
Can balance on one foot well in excess of 9 seconds
Takes longer than 14 minutes to have sex nearly 79 times per year
Is 5-feet, 11.75-inches tall
Eats fast food 5.6 times per week and steak twice a week
Sleeps 8.25 hours per work night
Drinks 7.75 cups of coffee and one alcoholic beverage per day
Feels like an average American guy exactly 50 percent of the time.