America is an awards-happy place. Besides the serious awards like the Pulitzer Prize, there are the entertainment awards the Oscars, Emmys, Grammys and Tonys. And how many millions of old bowling trophies are cluttering the shelves of our nation's thrift shops and second-hand stores?
In the Rim country there is the Roundup's annual Best of Payson competition. But besides that annual ritual and the old bowling trophies down at Time Out 2 Shop, we have not really kept pace with this awards-crazed nation of ours.
I say we need a new awards program for the Rim country, which I have tentatively dubbed The Rimmies. Of course I need your participation in nominating Rim country people, places and things in these categories I am about to introduce. If nobody plays along, The Rimmies will be pronounced a lame idea and be allowed to die a natural death.
But I'm betting the Rim country's collective sense of humor will rise to the occasion and our nominations cup will overfloweth. And I'm praying that when the winners are announced, they too will have a sense of humor.
I think when you see the categories, you will get my drift.
Imagine, if you will, the curtain rising at the Payson High School Auditorium as the Rim Country Civic Orchestra plays an inspiring if slightly ragged fanfare. As the last note ends, a powerful voice-over intones: "Ladies and gentlemen of the Rim country, welcome to the first annual Rimmy Awards ..."
That's the setup, but this resplendent evening can only take place if you send in your nominations in the following categories:
Green Valley Gazebo Free Speech Award
They tried to tell us we couldn't stand up and speak out. They told us we'd end up with the KKK, the skinheads and other "crazies" coming up here from the Valley. But led by Pastor John Roy of Payson First Assembly of God, whose church was denied the gazebo on the Fourth of July, we prevailed. Now it's time to memorialize this bastion of free speech by honoring the one individual who has spoken loudest and clearest for something he or she believes in.
Payson Time Award
Whenever somebody is late or doesn't show up at all we say, "He's on Payson Time." Or we say, "Don't expect it tomorrow, because up here we're on Payson time." Why isn't Payson Time as well known as Eastern Standard Time? Because it has never had an award named after it. Well, fellow Rimaroos, not anymore. Let me know who, in your estimation, best exemplifies the spirit of Payson Time?
Here Today-Gone Tomorrow Award
While most people are coming to the Rim country rather than going, our town manager for one is looking to blow this Juniper berry stand at the first opportunity. Anybody you think might be more deserving?
It's a Dry Heave Award
In the Valley, they love to say it's a dry heat. Up here it's a cool heat, so we adapted their line. This award goes to the most repulsive and/or disgusting act committed in the Rim country in the past 12 months. And let's remember our senses of humor and good taste, boys and girls.
Big Bird Award
I don't want you to take this wrong because this is a family newspaper supplement. But I do want your nominee for this award (named, of course, after the Sesame Street character) to be the person, place or thing you would most like to thumb your nose at. Come to think of it, thumbing your nose doesn't sound much better than the other act.
Hoof 'n Mouth Award
This award, so named to perpetuate our great cowboy heritage, goes to the Rim country person you think has committed the greatest gaffe or made the most outrageous statement this year.
Cowlick Big Hair Award
Another category inspired by our cowboy heritage. If Rose Mofford lived in the Rim country, this would be a no brainer. But I'll bet lurking somewhere amongst us is a Rose wannabe. Help me flush her (or him) out.
Tyler Parkway Give Us a "Brake" Award
Yes, dear readers, the parkway you love to hate has earned an award category all its own. Now the question becomes what to present this award for? Being the slowest driver in town? Doing the best job of "cowing" the town council? Whaddya think?
Payson Concrete & Materials Fashion Award
The Rim country's stylishly dressed all wear that beloved green and white cap. But who best accessorizes with the cap to create a total ensemble that makes him (or her) the Rim country's ultimate fashion plate?
Haught Cuisine Award
What better name to give the ultimate Rim country good taste award than the most famous pioneer family in these parts? But if it conjures images of a huge, family-style Thanksgiving dinner, forget it. Nope, we're looking for something more like Best Biscuits 'n Gravy or maybe Greasiest Spoon. Something good for an old-fashioned cowboy guffaw. Any ideas?
(Send your nominations, with a brief explanation of why your people, places or things deserve to be honored to The Rimmies, c/o The Rim Review, P.O. Box 2520, Payson, AZ 85547.)