Around The Rim Country

Men's rules of the road


Last week we used an all-woman's quote book to feature the fairer sex saying some great, near-great and sorta-great things.

This week, in the interest of fairness and equality, we turn to the male equivalent.

Since collectively the quotes from women added up to a kind of female philosophy of life, it seems only fair that we elaborate on the rules of the road guys live by and, of course, wherever possible relate them to the Rim country.

Our source is the "Men's Health Handbook" by the editors of Men's Health Magazine. Modestly billed on the cover as "The Ultimate Source," this tome claims, among many other things, to help you "eat to compete," "enjoy super sex," "ogle with finesse," and "deflate a spare tire."

"The Ultimate Source" can be had from for just $7.50.

Since we know men are not nearly as philosophical and introspective as women, don't expect anything too weighty here. But guys do have standards and there are some precepts that we live by.

In a chapter called "Men Learn the Darndest Things," the editors delve into the mostly unspoken rules men live by. These rules, they say, define what it is to be male and also teach us how to behave like men.

Here are the...



10. There's no need to consult "TV Guide" when there's a remote control handy. Just dive bomb through all 53 channels in the never ending search for a suitable landing spot. If you're a Rimaroo guy, chances are that landing spot will be "Walker, Texas Ranger" on USA, "Bugs and Daffy" on Cartoon Network, or "Auto Racing" on Speedvision.

9. When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie department. Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a jet mechanic would avoid the whirling fan blades of death. I know a lady who works in the lingerie department at our local Wal-Mart, and she says guys do wander through. But she also admits that around Valentine's Day, they put the frilly stuff on the perimeter so men don't have to plunge in too deep.

8. When you're in the men's room alone, you needn't wash your hands when you're done. But if another guy is in there, you scrub your hands like a brain surgeon. If you're at the Payson Event Center, washing your hands is not even an option.

7. Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears. That's like saying, "How do you like my suit of armor? It's only got two weak spots in it here and here."

6. Every guy should be hip about guns. Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he's never been close to a firearm before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like the reincarnation of Daniel Boone. If you now have new respect for economics professors, you sure don't want to mess with this part-time English instructor. I once blew a hole in the side of an above-ground swimming pool on my first shot.

5. If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream. Instead, pull on those running shoes and pound those calories into submission. Rimaroos substitute cowboy boots, and there's no need to worry about that running stuff. Just pulling them on and off will be plenty of exercise.

4. Never openly display a broken heart caused by a woman or discuss it with other guys. That's between you, your six pack, and your collection of Frank Sinatra records. You know where this is going. Substituting country-western phenom Shania Twain for Sinatra makes a guy's grief a lot easier to bear. Besides, in these parts it's country-western or nothing.

3. Never admit you don't understand a political issue. Opinions are like whiskers: You're not an adult male without them. Taking a political stand is easy in the Rim country. Just say, "I'm agin' any new tax."

2. On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're lost. Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants, like the explorers of old. In the Rim country, if you can find your way to Wal-Mart, Mazatzal Casino and Sawmill Theatres, you have no need to ask for directions.

1. Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides. It's all about who's out front. While the number is growing, it's hard to find enough stoplights in these parts to keep all Rimaroos sufficiently manly. Maybe we need to fall back on that old nemesis, Tyler Parkway. Something like: "Real men don't drive on parkways that make them feel like they're in a school zone.

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