Around The Rim Country

In a perfect world, they'd ban dancing


Let me say right up front that I don't like President George W. Bush all that much. I don't want to rip any scabs off healing wounds, but it seems to me the guy who got the most votes ought to be the guy sitting in the White House. Anything less smacks of banana Republicanism.

Having said that, I have found something that President Bush and I agree on. In fact, on this subject we are kindred spirits.

What President Bush and I and four out of every five males agree on is that we don't like to dance. How do I know that four out of five males don't like to dance? To use one of my brother's favorite bits, "Because they did a survey."

This mythical survey showed that although more than 20 percent of all men have been on the dance floor at one time or another, that doesn't mean they like to dance. It means these men are faking it.

The reasons men will sometimes dance when they detest the activity include:

They think it's a good way to pick up women who like to dance.

They are avoiding an inevitable problem with a girlfriend or wife.

They are just plain taking the path of least resistance.

President Bush's problem with dancing emerged when he won the presidency. In fact, had he thought it through, he would never have run for the office of most powerful man in the world. Or at least he would not have stolen Florida (wink, wink) to get there.

What President Bush forgot was that when you win the presidency, you have to attend eight inaugural balls, each of which includes dancing. According to a recent Cox News Service story by Melanie Eversley, President Bush "would rather sort his athletic socks than do the Texas two-step or any other dance for that matter."

Here's an interesting question. Since most men hate to dance, and men were at one time absolutely dominant on the basis of sheer physical superiority, how have we come to the place where we find ourselves today living in a world where things like election victories and graduations and marriages are celebrated in large part by doing something most men detest.

I mean, why didn't guys stomp dancing out back when it was OK to flaunt our physical superiority back before women like Cher, Madonna and Monica Lewinsky gave new credibility to the fairer sex.

According to John Noble Wilford, writing in the New York Times, dancing may have evolved as early as speech and language, "and almost certainly by the time people were painting on cave walls, making clay figurines and decorating their bodies with ornaments."

It seems to me and, remember, to four out of five guys worldwide that once the calendar was invented, dancing became absolutely useless. And the last time I looked, we no longer lived in a "pre-state" society unless, of course, you count the state of Arizona, which is still living in cave man times when it comes to such things as educating our young people.

Since we have now proven through irrefutable logic that dancing is an absolute waste of time, a ritual that has outgrown its usefulness, and a most inaccurate precursor to the sun dial and other early means of marking harvests and other events, I believe the day has come to put dancing where it belongs on the scrapheap of history.

I therefore propose that the Rim country take a bold step. Instead of enacting things like bed, board and booze taxes which punish behavior absolutely essential to survival, I think we should ban dancing outright.

I realize this would cause us some notoriety, but it could also enhance our attraction as a tourist destination, which, the local pols tell us, is one thing they wanted to do with the bed, board and booze bucks.

I can see it now. Mom and dad sit down to plan out the family vacation. Dad, an avid newspaper reader, had noticed this small article about this place called the Rim country banning dancing. Mom, who is busy hanging decorations all over herself, missed the article. Dad hates to dance. So he puts on his best straight face and says something like, "So honey, let's go somewhere off the beaten path this year. I've heard about this little paradise called the Rim country."

Meanwhile back at the White House, President Bush finds himself stuck in a world where dancing is not only legal, but is expected at many affairs of state. But there is a way out.

Remember how President Bush used the Supreme Court to steal the election? All he has to do is once again call on the highest court in the land to save the day by decreeing a nationwide ban on dancing. Maybe there is hope for the Bush presidency after all.

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