(Editor's note: This is the first of a two-part column that will, once and for all, put the issue of dancing in the Rim country, to rest.)
A few columns ago, I suggested maybe the Payson Town Council could consider enacting a ban on dancing in the Rim country.
I also said how a deep-seated, irrevocable hatred of dancing was probably the only thing I would ever have in common with President Bush. And how any guy who says he likes to dance is just trying to suck up to a woman for one reason or another.
I also pointed out that some anthropologists believe dancing evolved as early as speech and language around about the time humankind began painting on cave walls, making clay figurines and decorating their bodies with ornaments. The limited popularity these activities enjoy today, I theorized, said a lot about the stupidity of modern people dancing.
Finally, I intimated that maybe we should have stomped dancing out once and for all back when guys were able to flaunt our physical superiority. That's all I said.
Well, OK, I also said that maybe, just maybe, President Bush didn't quite win the election seeing as how Al Gore got more votes than he did. But that's all I said.
Well, OK, I also said maybe President Bush could use his considerable influence with the Supreme Court (as demonstrated during the election controversy) to ban dancing across the entire nation. Innocent enough, you would think.
I decided that what we actually have here are two issues which I will address using a two-pronged strategy. The first is this matter of whether President Bush is really our legitimate president.
This is an issue that has had some pretty serious emotional undertones up here in the Rim country right from the get-go. Now that this issue has returned again like some nagging boil, I believe it is time to lance it once and for all.
So in the best tradition of American politics, I decided to conduct a poll in which the participants, a representative cross-section of the Rim country electorate, decided once-and-for-all whether President Bush won the election fairly.
Here are the results:
BUSH WON FAIRLY: 8
GORE ACTUALLY WON: 2
But this only tells part of the story, because the most interesting answers were the other 11 from people who just couldn't say "yes" or "no" and walk away.
From the pro-Bush side came these answers, which I have classified according to tone:
"Heck yea (As you can tell I'm Republican.)"
"Of course. Even after multiple recounts he was ahead. (I suspect this may have been the lady who dislocated something when she hate-called me.)
"I suppose so."
From the no-Bush camp came the following, also coded by tone:
"No, it was all a big mess."
We once and for all put this issue to rest. But that leaves the second issue whether to ban dancing in the Rim country and perhaps the galaxy.
To segue neatly from the presidential issue to the dancing issue, I asked those who participated in my poll to also answer the following question:
"Who do you think is the better dancer, President Bush, Al Gore or Richard Nixon?"
Here are the results:
PRESIDENT BUSH: 2
AL GORE: 3
RICHARD NIXON: 4
BILL CLINTON: 1
Several respondents said they could not judge, having never seen any of the above dance. Several respondents said they could care less.
And then there were these responses:
"None of the above. They're all old white boys."
"They should have a dance-off with Monica Lewinsky as the judge."
"They're all pretty good at dancing around the truth."
Despite what my mother told me about always wearing clean underwear and never discussing politics or dancing, my poll also included the following question: "Would you favor an outright ban on dancing in the Rim country? Why or why not?"
Watch for those answers next week.