Those of us who write humor columns worship at the altar of columnist Dave Barry.
We don't actually care that we aren't as funny as he is. We just envy his lifestyle.
All Barry has to do is write one hilarious column a week and an occasional book on the side, while normal small-town hacks like myself also have to labor over a slew of stories about plastic duck races, quilting bees and genealogy seminars. And wouldn't it be cool to have a TV situation comedy about oneself as Barry once had in "Dave's World."
Anyway, while I would never steal an idea from Dave Barry, I'm not above borrowing and adapting one. And that, as you may have surmised, is what I am about to do.
In a recent column, Barry wrote about how the Academy Awards ceremony runs really long, primarily because the acceptance speeches of the winners drone on interminably. He says the producers have tried everything to shorten the show even having sharpshooters fire tranquilizer darts into the winners' necks, the sound of which he brilliantly describes as "FWWWWT."
Living in the Rim country, we know that Hollywood does not have the market cornered on boorish behavior. There's a lot of stuff that is the moral equivalent to droning acceptance speeches going on right here.
So in the spirit of playing God, I thought it would be, if not fun, at least mildly entertaining to point out similarly boorish behavior by our unsuspecting friends and neighbors.
But since tranquilizer darts are more Hollywood's style than ours, I propose instead a well placed horseshoe to the back of the head of the offender. The sound I am guessing this would make would be a cross between a BONK and a CLANK more like a CLONK. The result would be to temporarily stun the offender, giving the rest of us an opportunity to escape.
Here, then, are the recipients of the Rim Country's First Annual Boorish Awards:
(Writer's Note: In determining the recipients, the following definitions of boorish behavior were taken into consideration: churlish, loutish, clownish, surly, mean, uncouth in manners or appearance, rudeness of manner due to insenstiveness to others' feelings and an unwillingness to be agreeable, bodily awkwardness together with stupidity or abjectness, and a propensity for absurd antics.)
PUBLIC COMMENT AWARD
Instead of stifling public comments by moving them to the end of the agenda, Mayor Ray Schum puts a horseshoe sharpshooter on the town payroll. This person stands in the back of the room and, on cue from the mayor, CLONKS any speaker who has raised an issue he doesn't want discussed. (Reference: Churlish, loutish, surly, mean)
FIRE SPRINKLER AWARD
Anybody who even brings up the subject of fire sprinklers, whether pro, con or in between receives a CLONK to the noggin. (Reference: an unwillingness to be agreeable)
FURNITURE LIQUIDATORS AWARD
If one more furniture store goes out of business and holds a sale that lasts forever with signs all over town, we need to bring an end to this nonsense with a well-placed horseshoe. (Reference: propensity for absurd antics)
SRP THUGS AWARD
Thieves, rogues and scoundrels that they are, let's form a horseshoe posse and ride down to SRP headquarters in the Valley and exact revenge on the people who are stealing our water. (Reference: surly, mean)
MIKE BURKETT AWARD
To the man whose ego is bigger than the massive Goss press that prints the words he spews endlessly, a great big CLONK from your friends at the Roundup/Rim Review. (Reference: loutish, clownish)
COWBOY CAR COMPANY AWARD
God love them, their cowboy logic and their plain dirt lot, but that KMOG commercial must go. CLONK. (Reference: clownish and a propensity for absurd antics)
Members of the Payson Town Council who have misused and overused this word to the point of tedium must STOP. NOW! One doesn't get heartburn over an issue; one gets heartburn from spicy meatballs. (Reference: loutish, clownish)
MAIN STREET NAYSAYERS AWARD
To those who just don't seem to get the concept that we need a focal point in this town that reflects our heritage and culture, CLONK, CLONK AND CLONK. (Reference: stupidity or abjectness)
COLUMNISTS WHO PLAY GOD
But it's all in fun, and I'm just trying to point out that ... CLONK