Current Events Share Lunacy



Funny how seemingly unrelated events provide unusual insights when juxtaposed. Take these dissimilar incidents that happened in close proximity to one another:

The Tonto Natural Bridge is closed by a bunch of bureaucrats who want to show the state legislature what it gets when it tampers with the state parks budget.

The Arizona Diamondbacks announce a three-year agreement with a Japanese baseball team called the Nippon Ham Fighters.

Firebug Valinda Jo Elliott goes scot-free, then jauntily heads for the Big Apple to appear on CBS's "The Early Show."

Today nearly everything is no-fat, low-fat, reduced-fat, 1-percent or 2-percent fat, yet nobody seems to know what happens to all that fat?

Four apparently unrelated events that just happened to occur in proximity to one another. Or are they maybe not so unrelated after all? Perhaps even a sign that the end of the world is at hand?

Let's take a closer look at each event in the context of a common theme that runs through them lunacy.

The Bridge

The Arizona State Parks Board held a meeting at the Tonto Natural Bridge and listened as speaker after speaker pleaded with them to change their minds. Why would you subject yourself to a hostile audience unless, of course, you want the legislature to notice just how ticked off people are?

One of the many solutions bandied about during the meeting was selling or leasing the bridge to the town and/or county so we can run it ourselves.

The Ham Fighters

While there was no mention of what they're actually going to do together, the "deal" the D-Backs made with the Ham Fighters "will certainly give (us) increased visibility and a greater presence in Japan," according to general manager Joe Garagiola Jr. My question: What kind of visibility do you gain by cutting a deal with a team known as the Ham Fighters?

The Firebug

This woman (who just had to be from Phoenix) gets lost on her way to, of all places, Young, in a closed area in the middle of a drought, with a major forest fire raging on the horizon, and decides to ignite a bush to attract a passing helicopter.

To add insult to injury, U.S. Attorney Paul Charlton goes to Heber and announces in front of a gym full of people who were evacuated to Payson for two weeks because of Elliott's stupidity, that he's going to let her walk. To add further insult to injury, Elliott tells a national TV audience that she is just amazed that lighting this little bush on fire with her Bic might create a problem.

The Fat

So where's the fat? I gotta believe it's piling up somewhere next to all that toxic nuclear waste we don't know what to do with and all those recalled Firestone tires. Either that or it's being shipped to the Middle East aboard empty oil tankers, which would explain a lot of the problems in that part of the world caused by guys with names like Yasir AraFAT.

But let's cut to the insights gained by the proximity of these events to one another:

Why not solve two problems by shipping all that fat to Japan. Not only would we be truly fat-free, but the newly renamed Nippon Fat Fighters would now have a nickname any red-blooded American baseball team would be proud to be associated with.

Even though the American justice system failed us once again (see O.J. Simpson), there are other ways to wreak retribution. I say we take the law into our own hands and create the Valinda Jo Iddiott Award to bestow on deserving souls right here in this column.

That just leaves the bridge, and I'll bet you already know where this is going. The first recipient of the Valinda Jo Iddiott Award is ... anybody and everybody parks department, legislature and governor's office included who had a hand in trying to close the Tonto Natural Bridge.

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