Payson Roundup

By the time you read this, the Payson Campus of Whozit College should be gearing up to reopen its doors.

Let's hope so, because the last thing we need around here is any more unenlightenment. But as we wait for the belated start of the fall semester, we here at The Rim Review do not intend to miss a perfectly good opportunity to have a little unenlightened fun.

One of the things a community college is supposed to do is meet the unique and specialized needs of the community wherein it hangs its sign. In fact, the failure of Eastern Arizona College to adapt its curriculum to the Rim country's needs is one of several reasons the county gave for severing ties with that institution. Here are a few examples:

In a community like ours with a lot of retirees, more nursing and other health care programs would be nice.

In a tourism-based community where service in local eateries often leaves something to be desired, some hospitality and food service offerings would also be nice. And how about a course in ecotourism?

In a relatively low-tech community, we could use some high-tech programs that would put us in a better position to attract clean, technology-based industries.

We are confident the all-new Whozit College will do a better job of offering courses that truly address the Rim country's unique needs with, of course, a little input from us.

Here are some courses we'd like to see at Whozit:

Fashion Sense 101

Especially for locals who wear Payson Concrete & Materials caps, this course covers basics fashion tenets like:

The tasteful concealment of bald heads.

Walking in cowboy boots with a beer belly.

Blubbery bare midriffs are not sexy.

Slow Driving 101

For those of us who come from the city, it is a difficult adjustment to the slow-paced lifestyle of the Rim country. This course teaches newcomers how to slow down and enjoy life. Highlights include:

How to mutter under your breath so as not to irritate the slowpoke cowboy in the beat-up pickup running on three cylinders and spewing exhaust smoke ahead of you.

How to drive around all day in second gear without ruining your transmission.

How to say "Tyler Parkway" without putting an expletive in front of it.

Name Changing 101

The poet Coleridge wrote:

"Ah! replied my gentle fair,

Beloved, what are names but air?

Choose thou whatever suits the line;

Call me Sappho, call me Chloris,

Call me Lalage, or Doris,

Only, only, call me thine."

Doris College doesn't make it, but Chloris College has possibilities.

Shopping Cart 101

If you can drive a car, you should be able to handle a shopping cart. So why do people who wouldn't think of driving on the wrong side of the road break every rule of courteous driving when negotiating a supermarket aisle?

Supercenter 101

All about locating items in a gazillion-square-foot building while dodging falling prices. The final exam challenge: Find any one of the three places in the store where playing cards are located in under an hour?

Don't Feed the Animals 101

"Mommy, since there's no Santa Claus, let's leave cookies and milk out for the bears." Through this course, it is hoped people will finally get the point that feeding wildlife is quite counterproductive since it usually gets them killed. Duh?

Local History 101

This course uses deductive reasoning to prove once and for all that we do have a history. A sample: History is what happened yesterday. Therefore there is history on Main Street. Mankind can learn from the mistakes of past mankinds. Therefore Main Street is worth preserving.

Keeping Molehills in Perspective 101

If there's one thing small towns are good at it's making mountains out of molehills. Features a real case study: Why the Rodeo-Chediski Fire was never headed for the Rim country.

Payson Time 101

When you live in the Payson Time Zone, it doesn't matter when somebody says he'll get there. He'll arrive whenever he darn well pleases or maybe not.

Duck and Goose Are Not Dirty Words 101

If you've read the Roundup recently, you know it's mosquitoes not ducks and geese that are carrying the disease that will ultimately end the world.

Which kind of makes a fall semester pointless.