"Ho. Ho. Ho."
That's Santa Claus reading all the cute letters sent to him by the good little girls and boys in the Rim country. You read the very cutest of the cute in the Payson Roundup's special "Dear Santa" section a couple weeks ago.
But nestled amongst those sugar plums were some letters that we deemed not ready for prime time -- letters that for one reason or another would best be kept out of Santa's hands.
Without further ado, here is a new feature we hope will become a jolly seasonal tradition -- the Top 10 Santa Letter Rejects (with some handy tips their authors can use when they write to Santa next year):
10. Dear Santa,
For Xmas I would like a lab (sic) top. I think I deserve this because I have been very good at keeping track of time.
(Dear Bobby: If you're going to ask Santa for a dog, it's probably best to ask for the whole thing and not just the top. And while keeping track of time is a noble trait, Santa would probably be more impressed if you worked on your spelling.)
9. Dear Santa,
It's a miracle how you can get to every house in the world! I don't know how you keep track of all the naughty and nice kids in this world. The thing I super-duper want is a little baby puppy. If you don't get me one I understand. I was probably bad at least once this year. By the way, how is my brother doing?
(Dear Kayla: I like the way you open by flattering Santa, the fact that you're asking for the whole puppy, and your humility in admitting you're not perfect. But I'm not sure Santa is going to bite when you change the subject from your behavior to your brother's.)
8. Dear Santa,
I hope for a new snake, a rat to play with, and a cow. I hope for an egg so I can have a parrot. Don't get stuck in my fireplace.
(Dear Sammy: You're more than a little strange, but all was going well until you admonished Santa not to get stuck in your fireplace. If you think he's going to get down your chimney with a cow, I've got this natural bridge I'll sell you real cheap.)
7. Dear Santa,
My name is Jennifer. I like to clean houses. I like to write cursive but it hurts my hand. I love you, Santa. You are so cool.
I would like a "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" movie.
(Dear Jennifer: You think big, as in cleaning houses, and I like that. Santa probably does, too. But I'd lose the part about cursive hurting your hand. Nobody likes a whiner.)
6. Dear Santa,
I've been very, very good this year. I ate all my dinner last night. I want a kitten because kittens are cute. I will feed it cat food. I will protect it from the dogs.
(Dear Carrie: Eating your dinner last night is a nice start, but it hardly constitutes being "very, very good this year." And just how many dogs will be wanting a piece of this kitten?)
5. Dear Santa,
How are you feeling this year? And hey, how are those elves? Are they working hard? All those reindeer need to be in shape to pull all those toys, right? We really need to get to me because I need to tell you what I want for Christmas, OK? I want some new models and some shelves for them. I might have been selfish, but please I would really like those things.
(Dear Justin: Nobody can accuse you of wasting time on small talk, and since we're cutting to the chase, I'd find a way to sugarcoat the selfish part.)
4. Dear Santa,
How are you? What are your reindeer's names? Is it snowing there? I want everything that's Spiderman. I have been good all 11 months.
(Dear Donny: Maybe you should borrow a page from Bobby and start keeping better track of time. You have to do that "good" thing for 12 months, Donny. By the way, the reindeer are Dasher, Dance, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen.)
3. Dear Santa,
My mother says you are real. My dad's not so sure. This is your chance to prove it. I would like a pony for Christmas.
(Dear Betsy: I'll bet you want to be a psychologist when you grow up, but until you hang up your shingle, maybe messing with Santa's head is not such a good idea. Stick to the cookies and milk.)
2. Dear Santa:
I live in the white house at the end of the street. I will leave the porch light on for you. Just watch out for my two dogs. They don't like people with beards. Please choose something nice for me.
(Dear Emma: If I were Santa, I'd choose a couple of muzzles for those mutts. And listen up, boys and girls: the first thing you want to teach your dogs is to be nice to Santa.)
1. Dear Santa:
Everybody is in a bad mood in Payson this year, but if you could bring us rain and snow, we can be happy again.
(Dear Michael: Santa can bring toys to boys and girls all around the world in one night, but making it rain in Payson is in a whole different league. If you want miracles, better write to somebody else.)