Living In A Water-Less World

AROUND THE RIM COUNTRY

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Anybody can be negative about the water situation here in the Rim country this summer and, for the most part, we are. We moan and groan about the drought. We gripe and complain about having to cut back on the amount of water we use. We grumble and whine about a world that is shriveling up and blowing away before our very eyes.

Men, especially, seem to look at our waterless world through dust-covered glasses. The inborn negativity and pessimism that guys so often display is a trait that women constantly complain about.

In this era of spin doctoring, maybe it's time for men to change our image by adopting a positive mindset. Therefore, from this moment on, we will repeat to ourselves that real manly men are positive, not negative even about things so dire and depressing as the water crisis in which we currently find ourselves. To get things started, I have come up with a list of good things about our water situation a veritable downpour of reasons to be grateful.

"The Top 10 Positives About the Water Shortage"

10. We can all drink more beer and other non-boring beverages. While it's true that beer is primarily water, it's not our water, and drowning your sorrows in local water would not be politically correct in the summer of 2002.

9. Along this same line of thinking, we now have an excuse for not drinking the 31 glasses of water a day recommended by health practitioners. Not that it was ever humanly possible to comply with this dictum the human body just won't hold all that liquid. But now we don't have to feel guilty.

8. It keeps the flatlanders out of here. They have more water in the Valley of the Golf Courses than they can waste. The fact that Salt River Project steals that water from us is another story. Suffice it to say that Valleyites are not a conservation-minded people, and they sure don't want to hang out someplace where they have to ask for a glass of water.

7. It is a universal topic of conversation and a great ice breaker. Comedian Chris Rock likes to talk about how the fact that all women are crazy is a universal topic that crosses the boundaries of race and creed. Problem is, it's a topic that's not all that appealing to women. As a conversation piece, the water shortage knows no bounds, as in, "Hey, do you think it's ever gonna rain again?" or "Hey, wanna come over to my place for a glass of water?" (Guys and people from Minnesota always begin every sentence with "Hey.")

6. It's a great way to cover up the lack of a green thumb. It's downright unpatriotic to be gardening in the Rim country this year. Now those of us who are green thumb-challenged can smugly say, "Normally this place looks like the Garden of Eden, but I let everything die this year to save water."

5. Provides an excuse for not doing your laundry, shaving, hosing the driveway, washing your car or performing any of the many other dreary activities requiring the expenditure of water. I, for example, especially hate shaving. That's why even in wet times I keep as much hair on my face as I can get away with. With the water shortage, stubble is not only justifiable but admirable.

4. No more mud. This may not seem like a big thing, but if you've ever been caught in a mudslide you know how un-fun they are. And just ask any mother about mud being tracked into the house.

3. No rainouts. Of course down in the Valley, the Diamondbacks never get rained out especially when Curt Schilling is pitching. But now all picnics and other rain-sensitive outdoor activities also are a go. (I wonder if Curt Schilling goes to outdoor picnics.)

2. More people will find the Lord through praying for rain. Heck, I've already heard more people espousing prayer than ever before. Guess you could call them foul-weather Christians.

1. It's not only socially acceptable, but downright stylish not to shower. Want a hot stock tip? Deodorant.

So ladies, you can see how positive and upbeat guys can be. A bit smelly, perhaps, but ever so sensitive.

And that thing about all women being crazy? Chris Rock said that, not me.

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