Barbie's mother is dead.
Ruth Handler, the lady who created the Barbie doll, cashed it in recently at the age of 85. Unfortunately, Barbie will not be buried with her.
If the doll were not so darned cute, it would be easy to say Handler created a monster. But what she actually created was a babe a babe whose dimensions, if projected onto an actual human being, would be 39-18-33.
That's right, little girls the world over to grow up to be like your favorite role model, you need to fill out to a 39-18-33.
Fortunately there are surgical procedures that can help you do just that.
Unfortunately, you will be so top-heavy afterward that you will find it difficult to walk upright especially in those spiked heels society also favors.
Unless, of course, somebody invents a silicon substitute that is lighter than air. But that would create another pair of problems.
But I have come not to bury Barbie, but to praise her. Well, okay, to make fun of her.
We've done this before, but it works so well I'll use any excuse even the death of Barbie's mother to do it again. Considering how many variations of the Barbie doll you can buy at your local Wal-Mart, how about creating a line of Barbies based on real life Rim country characters.
Before we begin, let me remind you that this is all in fun. While you may not like your own doll, you're sure to enjoy the others in this exclusive series.
Here are my nominations for the newest Rim Country Barbie Doll Collector Series:
JIM SPENCER DOLL
Impeccably dressed, this doll says, "If we can make electricity, then by golly we can make water, too."
HOBY HERRON DOLL
Another talking doll. This one says, "I vote no. Nay. Nyet. What century is this, anyway?"
MAYOR RAY SCHUM DOLL
Comes complete with gavel. Wind the mayor up and he says, "We'll have none of those opinions expressed in this meeting. And none of that infernal applause either."
MIKE BURKETT PERPETUAL MOUTH DOLL
Don't have to pull a chain or wind this one up. It never stops talking, saying over and over, "Aren't I great? Thank God for Big Mike! It's time for my vacation. Wanna get married? If it doesn't work out, we'll just have it annulled."
BUZZ WALKER DOLL
This likeness of the town's water lord says, "There's no reason for fear. Water is an issue, not a crisis. We have plenty of time."
GORDON GARTNER DOLL
Comes complete with gun. Bullets extra. Says, "Calling all cars, calling all cars. Be on the lookout for a giant meth problem."
SUE ALLEN SANDS DOLL
Comes complete with fancy "do." Doesn't talk but looks down on everybody, as if perched on a billboard or something.
RUBY FINNEY DOLL
Push the button on this singing doll and hear the town's political activist laureate sing, "Ruby, don't take your mouth to town."
CHUCK HERON DOLL
Comes with one month's free Internet service. Says, "I smell a rat a really big rat."
SRP EXECUTIVE DOLL
A faceless doll that comes complete with sponge map of the Rim country to wring every drop of water from. Says sternly, "You'll have to talk to one of our lawyers about that."
GILA COUNTY EMPLOYEE DOLL
Comes with driver's license bearing a Globe address. Doesn't talk at first, but when prodded repeatedly finally says, "Payson? Payson? Never heard of it."
Of course, many Barbie and Ken accessories can be purchased separately, and the same is true of the Rim Country Collectors Series. Special Payson accessories include:
Payson Concrete & Materials cap
Governor to put on your toy car so it can't go over 25 mph on Tyler Parkway
Flocks of ducks and geese, complete with droppings.
Plastic "Bunhead" prosthesis that attaches to any doll, converting it into a drop dead gorgeous prehistoric babe whose measurements are 39-18-33.