A Political Party Of One

AROUND THE RIM COUNTRY

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The primary election is finally behind us, and now it's time for the big show the general election.

If you followed any of the commercials run on KMOG by the assortment of primary candidates, you were no doubt thoroughly confused.

One day I heard consecutive commercials read by state Representative Jake Flake, one endorsing Lewis Tenney for congress and the next espousing himself for re-election. I swear you couldn't tell where one ended and the other began.

I do think, however, that two radio spots were especially entertaining:

The Sydney Hay spot where she cooed seductively that she needed to be sent to Washington because "they want to take our guns away." The scary part is that she almost won.

All of gubernatorial candidate Alfredo Gutierrez's spots were fun, but I especially enjoyed the one where psychic Clara Voyant has trouble distinguishing between Jane Hull and Janet Napolitano "Jane ... Janet ... Janet ... Jane ... it makes no difference."

And if you think the election is hard to follow on radio, you should try actually talking to the candidates to write profiles on them for the Roundup. It can literally leave your head spinning.

But ready or not, we will have an election come Nov. 5, and we, the people, must do our best to decide who to vote for.

Since it's difficult to sort out one individual candidate from another, some people believe the safest thing to do is to simply vote along party lines the idea that the individual parties represent some sort of a philosophy to which their candidates to some degree subscribe.

Based on my interviews with the candidates, I have put together "A Beginners Guide To Political Parties" that will help you vote along party lines.

(Note: Figures in parentheses indicate number of registered voters for each party in Gila County.)

DEMOCRATIC PARTY (15,504)

The Democrats like to tout themselves as the party of the little guy. This translates into huge social programs that discourage everybody but you and me from ever working for a living again. They pay for their largesse by cutting military spending, which inevitably leads to guys like Saddam Hussein developing weapons of mass destruction and the resurgence of the Republican Party. If you need another reason to not vote Democratic, try Monica Lewinsky.

REPUBLICAN PARTY (10,536)

The Republicans have long been known as the party of the filthy rich. Their goal is to maintain the status quo at any cost. They do this with across-the-board tax cuts and concurrent increases in military spending. This inevitably leads to a recession and the resurgence of the Democratic Party. If you need another reason to not vote Republican, remember Richard Nixon.

LIBERTARIAN PARTY (123)

These people, under the guise of limited government, are really life's born losers the ones with dark clouds following them around all the time. I truly believe Libertarian candidates want to lose elections. I base this on the fact that when you call a Libertarian candidate on the phone to get more information, they never answer or return your messages.

GREEN PARTY (20)

There's an inherent problem in identifying yourself with a color. People get very emotional over colors. The Green Party is, of course, made up of environmentalists. People who are not members of the Green Party refer to those who are as those blankety-blank tree huggers and blame them for every wildfire Valinda Jo Elliott ever set. And don't even get them started on spotted owls. On the other hand, if owls ever get the vote, watch out for the Green Party.

REFORM PARTY (23)

Its members all went to reform school. They only vote for candidates with Italian names. That's 23 sure votes for Sal DiCiccio.

NATURAL LAW PARTY (1)

Natural law? Is this guy a nudist? And what fun could there be in nudity if there's only one of you?

INDEPENDENTS (3,735)

While not actually a political party, the people who identify themselves as independents tend to share certain definable traits. Most notably, they don't like much of anybody or anything. If they did, they'd find a party to join.

There, now you are prepared to go to the polls and write in "none of the above."

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