OK, listen up ladies. Don't let this Christmas be the latest in a long series of blown opportunities to get that special guy in your life something he really wants for Christmas.
Oh, he may say he wants a new weed whacker, but if he does, he's lying. And unless he's a preacher or a politician, neckties are illegal within the Payson town limits. And if you think he wants exercise equipment or an electric shoe shining kit, I've got this natural bridge I'll let you have real cheap.
But you're in luck, ladies, because it's time for that annual pre-holiday bonus column -- Jim's Gift List for the Guy(s) in Your Life.
Our sources this year are three catalogs, from each of which I have selected several sure-fire guy gifts:
The Sportsman's Guide Christmas SALE! catalog (1-800-888-3006/www.sportsmansguide.com)
- Stuffed Jackalope Buck Head
The result of a young antelope breeding with mature jackrabbits, this legendary creature is the perfect complement for trailers and other fine Payson abodes. Of course, no two are alike. $64.97
- Stuffed Jackalope Buck and Doe
For just a few bucks more, you can get both buck and doe jackalopes mounted together on a solid wood plaque. $94.97
- Coiled Ready Real Rattlesnakes
Your guy can have his very own adult Texas Diamondback "freeze-dried in a lifelike, open-mouth, fangs-bared striking position ..." And the good folks at the Guide point out that the harvest of these snakes in no way threatens the species -- just in case you were wondering. Two-foot snake $44.97, Three-foot $74.97, Four-foot $99.97.
Literally a clock with a detailed model of the World War II vintage B-17 Flying Fortress attached, you get "glowing lights to accompany gunfire sounds and the pilot shouting, ‘Turning!,' as the engines rev and scream!" Can you imagine a more pleasant way to wake up in the morning? $36.97
HQ Government Surplus HeadQuarters catalog -- a Sportsman's Guide subsidiary (1-800-888-3006/www.sportsmansguide.com)
Close only counts in hand grenades, drive-in movies and, of course, horseshoes, and if you want to get close to that special man, this is a sure-fire way to go. Actually used by the Swiss military, you get a set of four for just ... $14.97
- Used World War II Periscope Case
This one is dated 1942, the year I was born, but this is a cool gift for guys of all ages. Who's going to mess with somebody walking down the street with a periscope case? $49.97
And if they do mess with your guy, you'll want to make sure he can protect himself with this "near-shatterproof" baton with belt attachment. Made of a lightweight nylon material that allows you "to whip up fierce stinging speed," the South African police found them just the thing for riot control. $12.97.
Things You Never Knew Existed (and other items you can't POSSIBLY live without) catalog (1-800-843-0762/www.johnsonsmith.com)
These babies, which come in two sizes, operate on the same principle as the internal combustion engine to produce a realistic flash and thundering boom. Make your man the life of the party on New Year's Eve, the Fourth of July and similar events. 17-inch cannon $109.98, 24-inch $149.98
- Motion Activated Talking, Snapping Gator Candy Dish
A gift the little lady will enjoy too, this "scary gator dares them to try for a handful of candy." It says, "Make my day," "Try again," and issues several other challenges. When someone reaches for the candy in its mouth, its eyes flash and it chomps down. $19.98.
- Classic Guillotine Model Kit
Billed as a "working model of the scourge of the French Revolution," this "elaborately detailed" model includes a movable body platform, closing head stock with lock, working blade pulley with rope, dropping blade with release lever, basket to catch head, and hapless victim who actually loses his head. Great Christmas fun for just ... $17.98
- Anna Kournikova 3D Mouse Pad
According to the copy, this is "the next best thing to having Anna standing next to your computer." We were coveting a blow-up Anna, but with the 3D effect making her "appear to jump off the pad," we'll take it.