It's Christmas, the season of giving, and what better way for your favorite columnist to express his heartfelt thanks to his legions of loyal readers than to give a thoughtful and most appropriate gift to each and every one of you out there in the Rim country -- plus some extra special gifts to a few of our community's more illustrious members.
So with this edition of The Rim Review, we begin a gala new holiday tradition -- the annual giving of gifts to deserving Rimaroos (all in fun, of course).
To: Payson Town Councilors Judy Buettner and Barbara Brewer
Tired of those pesky phone calls from people in high places? Open this wonderful gift and you won't have to take it any more. To Judy Buettner and Barbara Brewer I give the gift of -- CALLER I.D.
To: Payson Mayor Kenneth P. Murphy
There's a showdown coming next year as the Murph and Brewer square off for the right to lead the town into the sunset (notice the clever use of an old cowboy expression). Given the history between these two, I wonder if it might not be best to settle this the way our cowboy forefathers did. (And no, that wouldn't be a Tequila chugging competition at the Ox Bow.) To the mayor, therefore, I give the gift of -- DUELING PISTOLS. You know, the kind that when you fire a flag pops out and unfurls that says, "Bang, I'm the (freaking) mayor and you're not."
To: Councilor Robert Henley
The high-flying councilor led the town council in most money spent on his procurement card, including $630 for his cell phone bill. To Robert Henley I give the gift of a CELL PHONE GOVERNOR.
To: Dick Reese
Had Henley not charged his cell phone to the town, Reese would have been the council's big spender, so for Christmas this year I give Councilor Reese an all expenses paid seminar called Economics and Common Sense. In Tahiti, of course.
To: Bryan Siverson
At $469.30, Councilor Siverson spent by far the least. But what do you give a cheapskate for Christmas? How about a heartfelt thank you. They don't make 'em like you any more, Bryan.
To: Carol McCauley
The new Main Street manager has so far managed to fly low and stay off the radar screen. To help keep her out of harm's way as she traverses Main Street, I give her an URBAN CAMOUFLAGE OUTFIT.
To our beloved country-western station, home of Shania Twang and George Straight-to-tedium, we give the new, best-selling self help book, "Yes, Virginia, There Is Life After Country Music."
Who would have thought a radio station could thrive up here with a mixed music format that includes classical and big band? What some people won't do to avoid country-western. To the Carpinos and the rest of the mythical gang at KRIM we give the gift of a trivia question we bet you can't answer: Who was Milt Buckner (and can you play some of his music)?
To: Salt River Project
A CHRISTMAS CARD that reads:
Water is fresh,
Water is clean,
Why do you guys
Have to be so darn mean?
Our water is yours,
There was never a doubt,
And with all your lawyers
It's useless to "spout."
But we want to know
Just how does it feel
To steal all our water
And tell us, ‘No deal.'
And at holiday time
As our water we pinch
We can't help but note,
You're one helluva Grinch.
To: Those on the Town's Top 10 Water Users List
To those whose water consumption shows they just don't get it, I give the gift of COMMON SENSE and a front row ticket to a symposium entitled "The Law of Supply and Demand for Dummies."
To: All Valley Residents
To each and every one of you water guzzlers, a PLAQUE containing the 11th Commandment: "Thou shalt not steal thy neighbors' water."
To: All Rim Country Residents
To my friends and neighbors throughout the Rim country I give the gift of everlasting RAIN.
So don't say I never gave you anything. And what do I want in return? For all of you to have the best holiday ever.
P.S. But tipping is appreciated.