I've always wanted to try my hand at a food/recipe column. Fortunately, several food-related incidents have recently occurred in my life. Because two of them involved green food, I can only assume that these incidents came together in harmonic convergence to give me the opportunity to fulfill my food column fantasy.
The first incident occurred when one of my horseback riding buddies offered me some free, "uh, dessert." Carol had made this dessert that apparently has no name in a huge quantity for a potluck that got canceled or something and it was taking up all her freezer space.
Being a single guy who doesn't get to eat many desserts of any kind, much less "uh, desserts," I jumped at the opportunity. After we finished with our ride, she brought me a big hunk wrapped in aluminum foil.
"You can eat this, "uh, dessert" frozen if you want," she said.
Since thawing is one of the cooking stages I bypass whenever possible, I decided to do just that.
When I carefully unwrapped the foil, I discovered this green stuff with nuts in it that had a consistency kind of like ice cream. It was really good. So good, in fact, that I thought I would share the recipe with you.
I don't actually have the recipe, but I'm pretty sure I can fake it using guy logic. But first we have to give this, "uh, dessert" a sexier name. How about Mystery Dessert?
Because it's green, we can assume that one of the ingredients of Mystery Dessert is lime Jell-O. If not, we don't want to know what makes it green.
Since it has the consistency of ice cream, we can probably assume another ingredient is something dairy-like -- maybe sour cream or cream cheese.
Finally we have the nuts, which seemed to resemble walnuts to me. A friend who is into cooking suggested what I might have on my hands is pistachio loaf or something like that, with the pistachios turning the whole thing green. I'm sticking with the lime Jell-O theory.
So here's the recipe:
Several containers of cream cheese or similar
Package or two of lime Jell-O
Mess of walnuts or other nuts
Smash cream cheese, then fold in (I like that recipe term) Jell-O. Chop nuts and fold them in too. Freeze. Wrap in foil. Take to potluck. Cut up for friends and family when nobody comes to potluck.
The next food-related incident was the great food fight at Rim Country Middle School. Actually it was more of a non-food fight.
Seems Dan Bowditch, the school district's head food guy, decided to make lunches more nutritious and less fat because if U.S. kids don't stop gaining weight, research shows, Earth will develop a wobble that will send it crashing into Mars (which, as you know, is closer than it's been in 60,000 years) and then we will most surely discover signs of past life on the red planet -- our very own.
Well the kids at RCMS didn't exactly like the concept of having to trade their pizza and chicken nuggets for turkey sandwiches and mixed vegetables.
To make matters worse, they were all forced to eat egg salad sandwiches one day when the cafeteria ran out of the other entree -- macaroni and cheese.
The students claimed the egg salad was green, and they weren't shy about advancing a theory other than lime Jell-O for why:
"It was buried for 5,000 years and they dug it back up," one said.
Which, of course, left them no other option than to go on strike.
The good news is they're not getting obese anymore. The bad news is they'll all be dead in a week or so.
Bowditch, however, offered to share the egg salad recipe:
RCMS Egg Salad
Multiple gallons of mayo
Boil eggs. Peel and smash. Fold in mayo. Bury for 5,000 years. Dig up and serve to students on white bread. Duck when food fight starts.
And now, it's time for the special feature that makes all other food/recipe columns pale by comparison:
This Week's Single Guy's Food Secret:
Two words -- bacon bits. That's right, bacon bits, which really aren't bacon at all but soy bits. Simply add bacon bits to anything and everything to add a festive and crunchy touch. (Hint: to serve green bacon bits, either roll in lime Jell-O powder or bury for 5,000 years.)
And they say single guys can't cook.