The Dead, The Dying And The Resurrected

AROUND THE RIM COUNTRY

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In a rare harmonic convergence, two interrelated articles crossed paths on my desk today.

For those who are spiritually challenged, harmonic convergences are cataclysmic events when two or more forces of nature converge at the same time and place. Like when your six pairs of reading glasses all end up together on your nightstand.

Harmonic convergences are good because they provide a deeper insight into life and, as you are about to see, love. In the case of the converging reading glasses, for example, you can imagine how much more "insight" you gain looking through six pairs as opposed to one.

Anyway, the first article came from one of my favorite founts of wisdom, "The Heat Index" column in the sports section of "The Arizona Republic." Headlined "He's on the run again," it recounted the recent caper by ex-Arizona Cardinal's and current-Denver Bronco's quarterback Jake "the snake" Plummer.

Seems Jake and his longtime girlfriend, Sonya Flores, went to Hawaii a couple of weeks ago to get married. But 90 minutes before the ceremony, Jake had second thoughts and called the whole thing off.

What made this OK, at least from a guy's perspective, is that Jake issued a press release admitting what he had done and asking people to "respect our privacy as we deal with and sort through this very personal situation. Thank you."

Of course, "The Heat Index" was ruthless, referring to Plummer as a "mixed-signals caller" and declaring, "Jake really is a snake."

In a subsequent column, the Index suggested a love quiz for couples to determine whether Plummer "made the right audible." Among the proposed questions:

  • We believe love overcomes everything, but a ‘prenup' would be nice.
  • One of us feels disoriented, confused, as if he has lost his bearings, possibly from taking too many shots to the head.

The other article was a column by humorist Don Flood, whose King Features Syndicate column is funny stuff. In it, he took off on the fact that "a French woman recently married her dead boyfriend in a ceremony that required the French president's approval."

You can imagine some of the places Flood went with this, including, of course, how much easier it is for a dead guy to be a good listener -- a quality women hold in the highest regard.

You can also see how these two articles appearing in close proximity constitute a harmonic convergence because the whole is truly greater than the sum of the parts. And in case you think this is about to turn into another diatribe against the fairer sex, I assure you this is an equal opportunity harmonic convergence that works no matter which side of your shirt the buttons are on.

To wit:

  • Who, upon hearing of Jake's great escape, didn't wonder where his or her life might be today had he or she had the intestinal fortitude to do the very same thing? I mean, a well-placed, "Excuse me, I'm outta here" could have far-reaching repercussions.
  • Although at first glance the dead guy (or gal) option would seem to have its drawbacks, give the concept time to simmer. If you honestly address your spouse's or ex-spouse's (or ex-spouses') shortcomings, or, if you are still in love, your own shortcomings, you will have to admit that death would resolve the greater share of them.
  • Speaking of death, think about the dying industries that would be resurrected if this practice were to become commonplace. Taxidermy, hide tanning and embalming come most immediately to mind.
  • And just to show you how gender-neutral this whole concept is, we also suggest considering the option of sending your loved one's ashes into that company that presses them into a diamond. We all know, of course, which gender considers a diamond its best friend. On the other hand, what you get is not a real diamond, but a cubic zirconia -- which just happens to be the best friend of the other gender.
  • We would be remiss if we failed to touch on the fact that this whole dead guy thing took place in our least-favorite country (now that Libya is our friend). Could the fact that French women are marrying dead guys be the direct result of that nation's prowess in war. (How do you tell a dead French guy from a live one? The live one has both hands raised in the air.)
  • But like most things in life, even harmonic convergences can leave a loose end or two, including that philosophical question that has been pondered by people of wisdom for centuries: If a dead person can't see or hear you, is it even possible to leave him or her at the altar?

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