As many of you know, new Payson Mayor Barbara Brewer also owns the Swiss Beauty Connection, which happens to be right next door to the Payson Roundup. For you conspiracy theorists, that can only mean one thing.
That's right. We have installed a secret door between the two businesses that we use to go back and forth so we can plot together about how to run the town.
Unfortunately you conspiracy theorists would be wrong, because your local newspaper has way too much integrity to be part of any conspiracy to run the town.
If, however, you are an espionage aficionado, listen up.
Unbeknownst to the mayor we recently completed a secret tunnel between the two buildings that we intend to use to bring our readers insider information on the mayor's plans, dreams and schemes for the town of Payson.
Unfortunately, all we've turned up to date is a broken curling iron, a couple bobby pins, an empty KFC box, and a Lady Godiva wig. Oh yeah, and a to-do list the mayor compiled so she could keep track of the many chores she has to accomplish during her busy day.
Since it is the only thing we've found so far that even remotely resembles plans, dreams or schemes, we used our trusty spy camera to photograph that list and we present it here with commentary and clarification in parentheses where appropriate:
FROM THE BEAUTY CHAIR OF BARBARA BREWER
THINGS TO DO:
- Take badges away from all councilors before somebody gets hurt.
- Draft resolution to move public comment to the end of council meetings.
- Get town logo tattooed in an inconspicuous place.
- Call (Payson Ranger District Head Ranger) Ed Armenta and offer position of Electric Light Parade Grand Marshal in exchange for permission to drill wells in the forest. (Or let him be Santa, so he can give the Rim country the greatest gift of all -- the gift of water.)
- Draft resolution to move public comment back to the beginning of the meeting.
- Pray for rain really hard. (Hard prayer or hard rain?)
- Get a stopwatch so council meetings can be kept under four hours. (How about limiting the opening prayer to 50 words or less? God is a busy guy, too.)
- Draft resolution banning public comment at council meetings.
- Test the political waters for a possible run for governor against Janet Napolitano.
- Ask Councilor Tim Fruth to wipe that silly grin off his face.
- Ask Councilors George Barriger and John Wilson to smile once in a while.
- Ask Councilor Dick Reese if he's found the passion yet.
- Draft resolution requiring each and every person in attendance at council meetings to make a public comment.
- Ask Tonto Apaches if they can come up with a rain dance that really works.
- Pass badges back out to councilors so they can arrest anybody who tries to make a public comment.
- Talk to (Parks Director) Bill Schwind about dying Green Valley Lake green for St. Patrick's Day. (Or give Karen Probert, the town's water quality specialist, a couple weeks off and let the algae do the job naturally.)
- Divert CANIT (Citizens Against Noise and Industrial Travesties) members from The Door Stop by allowing them to take decibel readings in my beauty shop. As added incentive, offer to run all blow dryers on high simultaneously.
- Ask (Town Attorney) Sam Streichman to find an obscure law that makes public comment a conflict of interest.
- Invite Chuck Heron (leader of the group opposing well drilling in the forest) over for a friendly cup of tea, but then tell him when he arrives that he can't have any because the town is out of water.
- Check for secret tunnels leading from the Roundup. Those guys seem to know every move I make.
- With public comment now deemed a conflict of interest, petition the state to change our designation as Flag Capital of Arizona to Gag Capital of Arizona.
At the end of her TO DO list, the good mayor added a brief list she calls THINGS NOT TO DO. On it she included:
- Don't mess with Tyler Parkway.
- Don't go near the Oxbow Saloon on rodeo weekend.
- Don't ever again ask Glenn Smith to explain the town budget in layman's language. In fact, don't ask Glenn Smith to explain the town budget in any language. Just gratefully accept the town budget.