Up here in the Rim Country, you're pretty much rich or you live in a manufactured home like most of us at The Rim Review.
And if you live in a manufactured home, you are sometimes referred to as "Trailer Trash." This is intended as a derogatory term, often used by people who literally build walls around their community so the rest of us can't get in and do embarrassing and disgusting things on their streets.
I even got an anonymous voice mail recently from a lady who wondered (and this is a true story) why people who live in RV parks in Star Valley are allowed to sign petitions since they can just up and move away in their trailers at the drop of a beer can and therefore aren't really "residents."
But since I am trailer trash myself, I have a soft spot for those who aren't really residents -- especially during the holidays. So this year, I thought I would provide some gift ideas for the trailer trash on your gift list.
At a Web site known as trailertrashdoll.com you can get perhaps the coolest trailer trash gift of all -- a pregnant doll known as Trash Talkin' Turleen ($32.95). The promotional copy describes her thus:
"She didn't just fall off of the turnip truck!Turleen is a sophisticated and patriotic American and a model working mother.fter hours of hard work gathering carts at the Honk & Holler and waitressing at the elegant Bowlarama, she still finds time to spend quality time with her kids.ith seven children and one on the way, she recently won the Mother of the Year Award from the Pink Flamingo Trailer Park Homeowners Association!This special trophy sits proudly on the kitchen window sill in her luxurious double-wide next to her six first place Little Miss Guzzler Awards from the county fair!Yes this honey has grown up!She's got a bun in the oven and she's ready to hit the town! Just push her belly button and Trash Talkin' Turleen will share some pearls of wisdom with the sophistication and style that makes her family and third grade teacher proud."
Even cooler, you can actually click her belly button on the Web site and she says the following:
"Pour me a double; I'm drinkin' fer two."
"If the trailer's a rockin', don't come a knockin'."
"Bubba Jr., git off yer sister."
"Look out, it's a twister."
"(loud, lascivious laugh)"
Even cooler yet, when you're on the Web site you can take a break from shopping to "git yer free trailer trash name." Simply enter your first and last name and the good trailertrashdoll.com folks will reveal the name you would be known by if you lived in a trailer park.
Mine, for example, is Dwayne Dorider; Carol La Valley is known to all trailerdom as Mary Jane Sweetlips; Jay Cooper's alias is Dwayne Noteeth; and Marge Hanscom will answer to Peggy Sue Loolover.
What's amazing is that these are not randomly selected names, but are scientifically based. I know this because the trailer trash name for the lady I like to call my consort is Betty Ray Bighips, and she actually had a girlfriend named Betty Ray Hagen back when she was trashing trailers in her tempestuous youth.
But back to our shopping ideas for your trashy trailer friends. A second doll, Little Miss Guzzler ($22.95), features longer platinum blonde braids with dark roots, checkerboard halter top, cut-off shorts and red cowboy boots. Like Turleen, she has a cigarette dangling from her mouth, but she comes complete with a six-pack of generic beer.
Other gifts available from trailertrashdoll.com include a Bobby Labonte NASCAR tree ornament ($5.95); a nine-inch-long light-up holiday RV trailer ($39.95) complete with barbecue grill and "a cooler filled with yer favorite brewskies;" plush heart hanging dice ($2.95) in red, white, hot pink and pastel pink; and a 3-pack of inflatable red roses ($3.95) ("Why go to the bother of buying live roses that will wilt and die?").
Great stuff, but a word of caution to the lady who left the anonymous e-mail in case she is tempted to give any of these gifts to her site-built friends as gags. There is a real danger in doing so.
You don't want to give us trailer trash people a credibility above our dignity. You don't, in other words, want us to become trendy or cool.
There is, in fact, already some evidence that this is beginning to happen. The popularity of Jeff Foxworthy is a case in point.
So is the copy for another talking trailer trash doll, this one available at www.stupid.com:
"We're gonna come right out and say it ... Barbie's so perfect it makes us sick. She's so pretty and so popular and so...so everything that we're not. Barbie makes us feel like pathetic losers. What we really crave is a doll that makes us feel SUPERIOR, for god's sake.
"And now we've found one -- the Talking Pregnant Trailer Trash Doll.
"This astounding dollaptures a world that Barbie has never seen.She wears a leather jacket and halter top, sports a head of bleached-blonde hair complete with curlers, and has (of course) a cigarette dangling from her mouth.
"Oh, and she's pregnant, too. So even if Barbie has never met her, there's a chance that Ken did.
"She may not be well-heeled, but she's very well-made. She comes in the box as shown, and even includes a little baby doll from a previous pregnancy.
"So you can join Barbie in her Dream House if you want. We'll be hanging out with the Trailer Trash on the other side of the tracks."
And finally, a new theatrical production called "The Great Trailer Park Musical" is currently packing them in on Broadway. Set in Armadillo Acres Trailer Park in Texas, It features such numbers as "Big Billy's No-Tell Motel" and "Immobile in My Mobile Home."
Although it "may deal with agoraphobia, spray cheese, Dr. Phil, road kill, hysterical pregnancy, an electric chair, strippers and more, good memories of good people are at the heart of its inception." In it, composer-lyricist David Nehls says he tried to portray the "earthy folk" he remembered from his childhood in Uniontown, Penn.
"In the wintertime, I was out for like an hour-and-a-half delivering papers, and they were always the people who had hot cocoa and cookies for me, and would always engage me in conversation," he said. "They were the coolest people on the paper route, and they were so lovely."
Maybe that's why veteran actress Kaitlin Hopkins relishes her role as Jeannie.
"Quite often I get asked to play characters that are sort of very sophisticated and erudite and classy, and I think it really appealed to me to be white trash, frankly," she said.
We're betting neither Jeannie nor Turleen would hide behind an anonymous voice mail. And they'd probably be among those standing in line to rent a space at the Sky Run RV Resort in Star Valley, which recently became the Rim Country's first gated trailer park.
You can't be too careful about the company you keep these days.