Worse Than Fuzzy Dice

AROUND THE RIM COUNTRY

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I don't know about you, but I've seen quite enough of those magnetic ribbons people stick all over their cars to last me a lifetime.

You know the ones I'm talking about. The Ride Guys website (out of St. Louis, obviously) describes them thus:

"Car magnets made to look like ribbons have popped up everywhere. Yellow ones ask people to support the troops. Pink ones ask people to remember the fight against breast cancer. There are even some asking for support for the Rams. Word is those particular models might be recalled."

Just substitute Cardinals or Diamondbacks or Coyotes for Rams and you get the Arizona picture.

But judging from the incredible number of magnetic ribbons out there on cars of all persuasions, I'm sure I'm in a distinct minority on this subject. After all, The Ride Guys call them "the must-have item of the season for the automotive world."

Give me a brake (pun intended). Magnetic car ribbons have become so prolific that I am more likely to be against the causes they're espousing just because they irritate me.

But here at "Around the Rim," we've always been able to turn tacky things into tacky columns, so why wouldn't we do it with magnetic car ribbons.

Besides, somebody has to be making a fortune on magnetic car ribbons, along the lines of the fortune made by the creator of the pet rock. Of course, it makes a lot more sense to buy a pet rock than a magnetic car ribbon.

You can throw a pet rock out in the yard where it will blend right in with your landscaping and you're done with it. Magnetic car ribbons, on the other hand, make your car look butt-ugly -- for longer than you think -- like forever.

That's right: magnetic car ribbons can ruin your car.

"Ruin your car," you gasp incredulously. Yes, according to The Ride Guys, unless you move your magnetic car ribbon around on a regular basis ... "moisture can get trapped behind it and damage the vehicle's finish, body shop workers warn. And when it gets hot again, the magnets can actually become baked into the car. How silly will your car feel when this trend has passed and you can't peel the magnet off?"

Assuming people don't care if their magnets are baked to their cars, I intend to make my fortune selling a line of magnetic car ribbons exclusively designed for the Rim country. They will include:

  • Great Star Valley Water Heist Commemorative Magnet

Instead of the familiar looped ribbon, this magnet is a looped garden hose symbolizing the journey of "old" Star Valley water down Highway 260 where it is dumped into the Payson water system and is magically transformed into "new" water.

  • Support Garish Purple Fences Magnet

This magnet, a replica of a looped section of chain link fence festooned in a garish shade of purple similar to the fences around the Payson High School athletic fields, will actually make your eyes water and burn. Push a little button and you hear the drum section of the PHS marching band banging on whatever corner of your brain isn't yet numb from the purple fences.

  • Honorary Payson Concrete & Materials Magnet

This striped ribbon comes in those three colors we have grown to love: bright green, bright yellow and bright white. If you buy one of these magnets you must agree to never, ever take it off, not even when you take a shower, er..., wash your car.

  • Excruciatingly Slow Parkway Ribbon

And you thought raising the speed limit on Tyler Parkway to 35 would kill this subject. It may not be the world's slowest parkway anymore, but it's not exactly a race track either. How about a bump to 45?

  • Dead Elk Ribbon of Tongue Magnet

A real badge of courage for 13-year-olds driving around in daddy's pickup truck who have just nailed their first elk. This ribbon is tongue-pink and resembles what a dead elk's tongue would probably look like if the creature were dragged home from the forest by its tongue.

  • Flooded Crossing Commemorative Magnet

From Tonto Basin to East Verde Estates, this has been the season of flooded crossings. This mud-colored magnetic car ribbon would read: "Support Normal River Crossings."

As soon as I make my fortune from the above and not a minute before, all magnetic car ribbons should be sent to wherever all those fuzzy dice that used to dangle from mirrors went.

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