Everybody reads the Payson Roundup's popular "What's Up" column, on the editorial page of each issue.
Using our sophisticated information network (the mayor's beauty shop is right next door to the Roundup), we go places you can't in search of the answers to your questions. But with this issue of The Rim Review, we'd like to introduce an occasional companion column to "What's Up?" We call it "What's Really Up?"
What's the difference between "What's Up?" and "What's Really Up?"?
We'll figure it out as we go, but our initial thinking is that "What's Really Up?" will go places "What's Up?" has never dared to go. Sensational places. Salacious places (great rhyme, don't you think?). Sleazy places. Slick places. And other places often starting with an "S". We'll peek around corners, over fences and under beds to get you all the information that's really none of your business.
Q: I've read the party line about the roundabout. I want to know the real story. Whose head should roll for this monumental screw-up?
A: The town is innocent. The Home Depot is innocent. It's the Arizona Department of Transportation that came up with the notion that a roundabout might work better than a conventional traffic signal on a major highway with lots of clueless strangers driving through every weekend. But the rumor that ADOT is about to be renamed the Arizona Department of Travesties is absolutely unfounded.
Q: Mayor Barbara Brewer is running for re-election. I don't care about her greatest accomplishment. I want to know what's the weirdest thing that's happened to her during her first term as mayor?
A: The mayor wasn't in her beauty shop today, so we're just going to handle this one for her. We can think of two incidents that were pretty weird. One was when she participated in a soap box derby in Superior. She crashed. (Please hold all those cracks about women drivers.) The other incident occurred during a recent council meeting when Councilor Robert Henley told her he was going to the bathroom. She misunderstood what he said and came momentarily unglued because she thought he was inviting her to come along.
Q: I wouldn't know, of course, but I hear the girls at Pete's Place are real lookers. Any truth to that rumor?
A: We, of course, wouldn't know either, but the answer, we are told, is "Yup, especially the one known as Slinky."
Q: What's really up with these two groups of Republican women in this town, and which one is selling that hot babe calendar?
A: And you thought hot babe Republicans were the very definition of oxymoron. To date, several hundred calendars -- entitled "Babes in the Woods" -- have been sold, so you'll have to hurry if you want to get a copy. She was out of town when we called, but we've heard you can get yours by calling Diane Sexton at Beeline Heating and Cooling, (928) 474-1760. (Hint: Don't expect Slinky to be featured. We're pretty sure she's not a Republican.) As to why the Republican women have divided into two separate groups (the Northern Gila Republican Women and the Mogollon Republican Women) we admit it seems a bit excessive. We propose that they settle this once and for all with a team mud wrestling contest to the finish. Or better yet, how about dueling calendars.
Q: I hear the town wants to tell me what color to paint my house. Mine is already chartreuse. Is there anything wrong with that?
A: Besides the fact that chartreuse was banned worldwide in 1953 as an abomination, absolutely nothing. Actually the town's new design review ordinance applies to commercial property only, except for the international ban on chartreuse houses, which, under the Geneva Convention, the town of Payson honors.
Q: Who do the people in Chaparral Pines think they are, anyway? Why do they need to wall themselves off from the rest of us?
A: You got us, but we like what Robert Frost had to say on the subject:
"Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense."
(Send your "What's Really Up" questions to Jim Keyworth, The Rim Review, P.O. Box 2520, Payson, AZ 85547. For a really fast response, include cookies.)