Stinking Up The Joint

AROUND THE RIM COUNTRY

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This just in from PRNewswire, the service that provides journalists with press releases from those in search of free publicity for really weird things:

"Finally, taking off the years doesn't have to involve injections, surgery or hours in the spa. Researchers have found out how to help women ‘spray away' the years with a revolutionary fountain-of-youth mist."

No, it's not Rustoleum spray paint, although the idea of rustproofing oneself at the same time one sprays away the years has a certain appeal -- especially, I would think, for those living near large bodies of water. Actually this new product, called Timeless View, doesn't work on the cover-up principle at all.

What it does, according to Dr. Alan R. Hirsch, director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation and the inventor of the product, is utilize a "patent-pending blend of scents" that makes men perceive women who wear it to be six years younger than their actual age. One of the scents is pink grapefruit, but precious little else is revealed about Timeless View, except that you can get your very own can for just $29.95 at www.scienceofsmell.com.

Oh yeah, and the fact that the product only affects men. Women viewing men are not similarly affected, nor are women viewing women. No word on men viewing men or men viewing barnyard animals.

What Timeless View does to men is to reduce their anxiety and elevate their sense of well-being, according to the press release.

"The aroma appears to convince the male brain to take a more optimistic view of the physical attributes of those women wearing it," Hirsch said. (Disclaimer: This publication assumes no responsibility for any consequences resulting from taking "a more optimistic view of the physical attributes" of women.)

I don't know about you, but it seems to me that women already have enough advantages in the relationship game without adding Timeless View to their considerable arsenal. They're smart and crazy, a combination that is usually unbeatable, while men are most noted for being dumb, stupid and ignorant.

But we men are also resourceful and therefore we try, usually futilely, to make the best of any situation into which we find ourselves thrust. Hirsch, you will remember is a guy, and because of his innate resourcefulness he has put his research into the manipulation of senses to other uses.

SprinkleThin, another of his products, consists of flavor crystals that, when sprinkled on food, trigger a "chemosensory reception" that makes you feel full faster and stop eating sooner. He is currently hard at work exploring the effects of odors and flavors on human emotion, mood, sleep, consumer preferences and, wouldn't you know it, sexual habits.

Which got us to thinking. If Hirsch were doing his research in Payson, what products might he create to help us conquer our very own unique quirks and foibles?

Here are some we think would sell well.

Raise Obsession: Just a whiff of this spray blinds town councilors to reality and they grant the members of the town staff's six-figure club another round of raises that boosts them into the heady stratosphere of seven figures. How does it work? A potent blend of the colonel's secret herbs and spices makes them compare Payson salaries to comparable positions in New York City, San Francisco, Paris and Montreal.

Roundabout Rapture: A misting system installed over Payson's first (and hopefully last) roundabout induces a false sense of bravado and euphoria, which gives even the most timid driver the courage to plow fearlessly into the roundabout, right-of-way be damned. The scent: a deceptive combination of tire rubber and exhaust fumes.

Eau de Diamond Star: The Town of Payson hires helicopters on the return trip from fighting nearby forest fires to drop this pungent mist over the communities of Star Valley and Diamond Point Shadows. Incorporating the smells of mildew and raw sewage, it produces in all those who come in contact with it a sudden urge to give away all their water.

Unfettered Euphoria: A very hoity-toity scent, incorporating the aromas of caviar, dead mink and old money, this mist is wafted over the golf courses of Chaparral Pines and The Rim Club whereupon it causes the residents of these communities to form a conga line into town where they hug, kiss and otherwise intermingle with all the local peasants they built gates to keep out.

Freeway Bouquet: A whiff of this special spray, bearing the unmistakable smell of a Los Angeles freeway during rush hour, sends California transplants back to whence they came, screaming, "Let me out of here. This place is becoming another L.A.!"

Essence of Dollar Store: A combination of the scents of sweat, cheap perfume and plastic, patrons are gently sprayed with this mist as they enter any of Payson's 37 dollar stores. It creates an irresistible urge to buy a bunch of cheap crap you really don't need.

Trailer Trove: Here in the antithesis of The Rim Club and Chaparral Pines, the good folks lovingly referred to as trailer trash are kept in their rightful place by a spray mist comprised of part pit bull breath, part rusting washing machine and part landfill.

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