Land Of Yard Sales And Convenience Stores



We live in a world of acronyms and idiocy, and when the two meet it's "Katy, bar the door."

That happened recently when a Texas state legislator by the innocent-enough-sounding name of Al Edwards (with a name like that, you just know he supplements the income he receives from lobbyists by selling used cars) teamed up with the irreverent guys at "The Heat Index," just about the best thing going in "The Arizona Republic" these days.

Seems Edwards, the idiot in this scenario, wants a law passed that would "prevent suggestive body movements by high school cheerleaders."

He explained his reasoning to the Austin-American Statesman:

"The way they're moving their bodies, it's not twirling or doing the splits. Those majorettes are doing things that are sexual."

"The Heat Index" suggested that the agency that would have to be formed to inspect and regulate cheerleaders be called the Texas Booty Regulatory Authority, or BRA.

"We figure Edwards can't argue," the Index said. "If he does, then he'll be accused of supporting a BRA-less Texas, and that wouldn't be very family friendly."

This is a tough one. On one hand, I have seen some 12-year-old middle school cheerleaders make some moves I wouldn't want my daughter doing.

On the other hand, this is America -- land of the free and home of the increasingly senseless -- and wouldn't it be nice if these holier-than-thou types would just butt out of everybody else's business. I mean, the more of us who they allow to go to hell, the more room there's going to be for them in heaven.

Having said all that, it seems to me that "The Heat Index" has come up with something that we can adapt to benefit the Rim country. That, of course, would be the creation of useless agencies with funny acronyms that don't really exist but allow us to blow off a little steam in thinking them up.

It's a game everybody can play, and I would be more than happy to print any that you come up with. Here are some of mine.

  • Your Payson Town Council recently did a good deed by helping the Payson Humane Society get the land it needs for a new shelter. But back when that same body was debating a tougher barking dog ordinance, some of its members professed themselves dog lovers even though their credentials were, shall we say, a tad suspect. We're willing to give them the benefit of the doubt however, and suggest they all be given honorary memberships in PUDD -- Politicians Undyingly Devoted to Dogs.
  • Speaking of the Payson Humane Society, somebody recently complained about an antiques dealer being allowed to skim all the good stuff at their yard sale before the doors were opened to us truly. Turned out it didn't happen, but here in the Land of Many Yard Sales we think a watchdog agency ought to be created to keep an eye out for this sort of thing. Inspired by the humane society, we could call it RABYS -- Rimaroos Against Bogus Yard Sales.
  • The roundabout at The Home Depot has raised the Rim country's collective hackles. We don't like the idea and dadgum it we're not above telling everybody who will listen. I say we form a society of roundabout haters called RATS -- Roundabouts are Truly Stupid
  • Your community college has finally bitten the dust, done in by three morons from Globe (sounds like the basis for a remake of The Three Stooges to me). While this development is certainly a blow for higher education, we must make the most of it. One way is to build on our great legacy of acronyms. Therefore, I suggest we change the acronym for Eastern Arizona College from EAC to SU -- for Screw Us.
  • The residents of Payson are becoming increasingly known for their water conservation, with the daily consumption dropping to just 86 gallons per person per day over the past year. That's a great accomplishment, but I believe we can do even better. If you agree, you'll want to join SOWS -- the Society of Water Savers.
  • Some people fear bears. Some people are afraid of Bob Ashford and company, those scary dudes from Globe who derailed our college. Me? I'm afraid of the giant potholes in this town. You could drop into one of those suckers and never be seen again. That's why me and my kind attend a special support group called APHIDS -- the Association for PotHole Intimidated Drivers.
  • And finally, here in the Land of Many Convenience Stores, we have found it necessary to create an organization designed specifically to keep them all in business called the BBB -- Beer-Bellied Bubbas.

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