I Could Write A Book



This writer named Jim Green has penned an article on writing your own book. He begins thus:

"There is an age-old adage that is as true today as when it was first mooted: ‘Everyone has at least one good book in them.'"

While I've heard of moot points, I always thought "mooting" was the sound cows made when they were mating. But since you can absolutely believe everything you read (except in The Arizona Republic), I'm sure Jim Green knows of what he writes.

And you have to admit you have mooted at least once to yourself: "I could write a book." I know I have.

One that comes immediately to mind would be the book I have long planned to write about the fights people wage up here over their volunteer fire departments. I plan to call it "The War of the Hoses."

If I ever get around to it, that is. Because while it's true that we all have books in us, there's a concomitant adage that says, "And that book is going to stay right inside you until hell freezes over or we have a wet May day in the Rim Country."

The problem, Green points out, is that most people lack the conviction, creativity, self-confidence, time, organizational skills and/or just the necessary stick-to-itiveness to pull it off. I'll bet if the pages spewed out in the process of writing a book caused us to lose pounds, we would be more prolific.

But, alas, according to Newton's Law of Mooting, the opposite is true -- the more you sit around on your butt writing, the more weight you will gain.

Of course before you even think about writing a book, you must have an idea, and, with a little luck, a title. It obviously didn't work for me on "Hoses," but you have to start somewhere.

Therefore I would like to suggest the following book titles (and a brief synopsis of each) that would be naturals for some of my favorite people in the Rim Country to write (all, of course, in the finest tradition of satire):

• "Yapping Dogs and the People Who Profess to Love Them" by Robert Henley and Tim Fruth

The town council's dynamic duo did a great job exposing the town staff pay raise fiasco, but they forgot the first rule of American politics: You kiss babies and you love dogs -- even yapping ones.

• "Shhhhhhhhhh! -- A Small Town Welcome" by Jim Hill

And the owner of The Door Stop thought he was moving his business to an idyllic, pastoral setting where "nary is heard a discouraging word."

• "Pipe Dream" by G. Michael Horton

A gripping drama. It was the pipeline from hell for Diamond Star residents from the get-go. Then they went and supersized that sucker --12 inches instead of eight.

• "My Blue Heaven" by Buzz Walker

If only Blue Ridge Reservoir water would get here, maybe Payson's water guru could finally relax.

• "Moot This" by Chris Benjamin

It's the Rim Country's version of the raspberry. You want to take water out of my back yard? Over my moot body, buddy.

• "Parkless in Payson" by the DG Boys (Dan Green and Donny Garvin)

A mystery thriller. Was it a mere coincidence that the two people getting booted out of Rumsey Park share the same initials -- or is something sinister going on?

• "World's Oldest Continuous Water War" by Chuck Heron

Why fight over who has the oldest rodeo? This tome proves beyond a doubt that the oldest continuous water war is all ours.

• "Six Figure Heaven" by Tracy Snyder

A feel good story about the little town that could -- pay its top staffers more than the governor of the entire state makes.

• "Drought"

A powerful saga of the disappearance of two civilizations -- first the Bunheads and then the Buttheads, so named because we continued to act as if there was no drought.

• "Who You Callin' a Bunhead?" by Jayne and Jinx Pyle

Enough with the cowboys and Indians, Jayne and Jinx dig back into the antiquities for a look at the Rim Country's most famous residents -- the prehistoric Bunheads.

• "For Whom the Well Tolls"

A utopian novel about a future Rim Country society where the water shortage has been alleviated by charging a water toll equal to the price of gasoline -- a world where hosed sidewalks are just a distant memory.

• "World's Greatest Potlucks"

A coffee table book chock-full of color photos and recipes of some of the Rim Country's greatest potlucks and potluck dishes. Yummy!

• "Travels of Marco Bolo" by Anonymous

The true adventures of a Payson retiree who wears a Wal-Mart bag over his head and his trademark bolo tie as he goes in search of the evanescent spirit of Payson.

• "Ray Quixote" by Ray Schum

A historical autobiography by the former mayor, focusing on his fight for a fair Gila County redistricting plan. When his plan failed and the districts were once again gerrymandered, in part due to a lack of community support, he did the wise thing -- he got the hell out of Dodge.

• "QuiltWorld"

Another coffee table tome by the toughest ladies in the Rim Country who, I have learned the hard way, you don't ever want to mess with. And there's nothing moot about that point.

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