Payson's Own Portal To Parts Unknown

AROUND THE RIM COUNTRY

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Amazing how our lives have revolved around the Beeline/Tyler Parkway roundabout this year.

First it was the opening of The Home Depot, then the tedious construction of the roundabout itself, and finally the great bronze elk-in-the-center-of-the-roundabout controversy.

Frankly, I think what we're dealing with is a vortex. While Sedona has long had the vortex market cornered, there are those who claim that the Payson area actually has stronger and more powerful vortexes.

But those are naturally occurring vortexes ("powerful eddies of pure Earth power"), while I believe our roundabout vortex was artificially induced.

You see, a vortex by definition is a mass of energy that moves in a rotary or whirling motion, causing a depression or vacuum at the center. While ours has a mound instead of a depression at the center, we certainly have a mass of energy moving in a rotary or whirling motion. Heck, roundabouts are even called rotaries in some cultures.

So it's pretty obvious to me that what we have going on in the roundabout is an artificially induced vortex. But to remove any lingering doubt, allow me to compare some of the ramifications of vortexes, according to www.angelfire.com, with those of our beloved roundabout:

  • Vortexes are places of high energy, and are considered by some to be gateways or portals to other realms, both spiritual and dimensional.

(Our roundabout has generated extremely high energy amongst us, and judging by the language some people use in describing and/or traversing it, it might very well end up being a portal to another realm -- namely Hell.)

  • Vortexes typically exist where there are strong concentrations of "gravitational anomalies," in turn creating an environment that can defy gravity, bend light, scare animals, twist plant life into contorted shapes, and cause humans to feel strange.

(Let us begin by conceding that we are a community of gravitational anomalies anyway -- we are bound by the law of gravity and we are absolutely a bunch of strange misfits and deviants. Anybody can bend light with a mirror, animals are very frightened in the presence of our town council, and with all the pot busts up here, I think it's safe to say that much of our plant life is twisted.)

  • In fact, people often experience fear when in or near a vortex.

(Tell me you don't experience fear when you enter our roundabout.)

Be all this as it may, we must turn our attention to practical roundabout matters -- namely the bronze elk that apparently has more lives than a cat. First ADOT said yea, then nay, and now, in their almighty wisdom, they have once again said yea.

But their primary concern -- that a bronze elk in the roundabout would attract people who wanted to have their picture taken with it -- has still not been addressed. Until now.

Here are some ways I believe we can have our bronze elk without tourists hanging all over it or getting twisted like our plant life trying to cross the roundabout to get to it:

  • Barbed wire.

This is the Wild West, home of barbed wire. Why re-invent the wheel? If it can keep sheep and cattle apart, it can surely keep a brass elk and people apart.

  • Periodic bursts of recorded machine gun fire.

There is nothing more effective in keeping people from going where they're not welcome.

  • Bronze hunter.

Add a bronze hunter, rifle at the ready, to the bronze elk. A strong deterrent, especially in dim light.

  • Gate the roundabout.

What works for Chaparral Pines and The Rim Club can work for the roundabout, too. We could even add a very miniature golf course that only uses half a million gallons of water a day.

  • Put up a sign saying "Diamond Star North," and watch the town of Payson set up drilling rigs on every square inch of the roundabout circle.

Jeanie Langham, the lady who started all this by raising money to make the roundabout the northern gateway to Payson, recently cautioned the town to plan ahead for future roundabouts.

"You need to budget for landscaping," she said. "We're not just going to have 105-foot circles of dirt in our town."

On the other hand, Jeanie, tourists do not want to have their pictures taken with a 105-foot circle of dirt -- which is good. Unless, of course, they find out it's a genuine vortex.

To help Jeanie retire the roundabout controversy, checks for the bronze elk should be made out to Payson Gateway Project and mailed to P.O. Box 1525, Payson, AZ 85547. Contributions are tax deductible. For more information, call (928) 474-6610.

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