Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Doc.
No, they're not the Seven Dwarfs. They're the Seven Deadly Sins, with Doc substituted for Pride just to see if you're paying attention.
And they're perfectly good sins that have stood the test of time.
Heck, I'll bet you've committed three or four in the last few days yourself.
Oh yes you have, and deep down you know it's true.
But here in the land of the free and the brave and the top 10 lists, they've become just a bit stodgy. I mean, they were first codified in the late 16th century by Pope Gregory I.
Since then, and especially recently, we have come up with entire new ways to sin. So it struck me that the list of Seven Deadly Sins could use a facelift.
I don't mean getting rid of them altogether. After all, they still work -- as you well know (wink, wink).
No, what I had in mind was adding to the list.
And what better way to do that then to create a Top 10 Deadly Sins list with three hot new sins added to the original seven.
Of course, I would never take on such a task by myself. No, in America we always do things by committee.
So I asked 30 people to add three sins to the original seven. Ten of the 30 responded in one way or another, meaning that the other 20 of you who blew me off are guilty of Deadly Sin Number 4: sloth, and are hereby disqualified from getting into Heaven (at least if I have anything to say about it).
Here are the best suggestions for three new deadly sins from the 10 who humored me by responding:
- Insanity (defined as "letting people over the age of 65 drive motor vehicles when they can no longer see")
I will let you decide amongst yourselves which three to add to the original seven to create the Top 10 Deadly Sins. I'm just guessing here, but if you don't participate in doing so, you, too, might be considered guilty of sloth and could possibly be condemned to burn in everlasting hellfire.
But on to cheerier things. I also asked the 30 unwitting dupes to come up with a list of Seven Deadly Sins that are specific to Payson and the Rim Country.
In other words, the Top 10 Deadly Sins can be committed by anybody in the world, but the Seven Deadly Sins of the Rim Country are unique to our specific lifestyle, culture and history, and can only be committed by bona fide Rimaroos.
Here are the very best responses from those 10 blessed souls who chose to participate:
Seven Deadly Sins of the Rim Country
Plus Two Alternates
Some of the 10 saintly people who responded made their Rim Country lists in the format of the 10 Commandments. While they obviously have a problem following directions (which condemns them to Purgatory), some of their commandments are pretty good -- good enough to create the Top 10 Commandments for the Rim Country:
1. Thou shalt not visit Pete's Place (unless thou asketh me along).
2. Thou shalt not shoot geese through the head with thy bow and arrow in Green Valley Park.
3. Thou shalt not throw thy cigarettes out the window of thy oversized SUV, especially in the middle of a drought, you moron.
4. Thou shalt not take somebody else's water. (When it appears on this list, folks, it officially becomes a moral issue.)
5. Thou shalt not eat fast food thrice a day.
6. Thou shalt not drive slowly in the left lane of the Beeline all the way to the Valley.
7. Thou shalt not wear tank tops, shorts and thongs to Wal-Mart when it's 25 degrees outside. (And a related sub-commandment: Thou shalt not bare thy midriff if thou hasn't the midriff for it.)
8. Thou shalt not use meth while thy children are home.
9. Thou shalt not stock a substitute beverage for 7-Up (such as Sierra Mist or Mountain Dew).
10. Thou shalt not go out in public without thy Payson Concrete & Materials cap.
And now, my children, repent your sins -- except you 20 who didn't fill out my form. You guys do not get a second chance.