New Events For The Winter Olympics



I don't know about you, but I'm wondering where they got all the screwy events in the Winter Olympics.

As I remember it from the old days, the events used to be limited to skiing around flags, ski jumping, speed skating, figure skating, hockey, bobsledding, and a boring opening ceremony that women really like to watch. Now they've added snowboarding, ski jumping and twisting around on the way down, ice dancing, and broom sweeping.

(Note: some of these events may not be new. I don't watch all that much Winter Olympics and may have missed some of them. But they are new to me.)

I don't really have a problem with these new events, because there's always other stuff to watch on TV. But Jay back in production and I were talking about it the other day and we decided they are not the events we would add if we were running the Winter Olympics.

In fact, the first event we would add if we were running the Winter Olympics would be freestyle pole dancing -- in honor of the traditional Maypole dances and the not-so-traditional dances we hear they perform at Pete's Place.

Jay and I would also like to volunteer to judge this event. Not that we have any particular expertise in the observation of pole dancing mind you, but because we would bring a lot of enthusiasm and sincerity to the task -- not to mention attention to detail.

And lest you question the morality of pole dancing, I can only ask how strongly you protested the addition of beach volleyball to the Summer Olympics. Which, you have to admit, was a pretty good addition -- in a purely athletic sense.

Anyway, it also struck Jay and I that we will probably never be asked to run the Winter Olympics. But we weren't done with this issue just yet.

Being two open-minded guys, we thought we would get the female perspective on the subject. So we asked the girls up front at the reception/classified desk what events they would like to see added to the next Olympics.

Here's what Molly and Cherilynn came up with:

  • Belly dancing, because Molly is taking lessons and has, we suspect, delusions of grandeur.
  • Yodeling, because, we can only guess, one or both of these ladies is into self-flagellation.
  • Slot machine pull. We bet there would be some world class competitors right here in the Rim Country.
  • Ice parking. The way this would work, according to the girls, is that you'd have to park your car in a designated spot on the ice while talking on your cell phone.
  • Karaoke hiking. The idea here is to climb a mountain while singing some tired karaoke song like "Respect" or "Horse With No Name."
  • SUV piling. In this event, soccer moms compete against one another to see who can pile the most little soccer brats into their vehicles in the shortest period of time without catching an appendage in the door. Actually the girls suggested this competition be between certain religions which encourage their congregations to have lots of kids so they can take over the world. We changed it to soccer moms so we wouldn't incur the collective wrath of certain religions which encourage their congregations to have lots of kids so they can take over the world. Praise Jesus!
  • Husband shoving. "It's kind of like wife-carrying," said Cherilynn, who claims to have seen such goings-on on ESPN. "You see which wife can shove her husband the farthest belly-down on ice."
  • Flavored ice eating. The first one to a brain-freeze wins.

In case you're thinking you'll start getting your Roundup from the machine outside instead of coming in to buy it from Molly and Cherilynn, let me assure you that neither of these girls is armed, nor considered dangerous.

In fact, I think their list of Winter Olympic events is pretty good, with a couple of minor changes. Instead of "Horse With No Name," I think the karaoke climbers should have to sing "Horse With No Mane." Slip up and sing "name," and you are unceremoniously booted down the mountain.

And speaking of things unceremonious, something has to be done with those opening ceremonies that go on and on and on that Molly and Cherilynn, being women, no doubt like to watch. They're becoming worse than the Academy Awards.

Here's my idea: We call it the Opening Unceremony and have the pole dancing teams from around the world march out and light the torch. No balloons. No fireworks. No people hanging from the sky on wires. No spinning automobiles. Two minutes and it's over.

Oh, and Jay thinks that since the IOC (International Olympics Committee) is not likely to institute our suggestions, maybe we ought to set up our own separate Olympics to compete with the main Olympics, kind of like all the different phone books that compete against one another.

He's thinking ours could be called the Trailer Trash Olympics.

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