Don't Fight Super Bowl Sunday, Ladies

EDGE OF PAYSON

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Valentine's Day is the day when a huge outpouring of love and contrition comes rushing forward from men. Super Bowl is why.

Sorry, ladies. Super Bowl belongs to guys and the only outpouring of love you may hear will sound something like, "Thanks for the chips and dip," or "I appreciate you moving all them flowers so I could put the beer cooler there."

Cherish those words. They have the same sentiment behind them as "I do." Trust me.

Different venue, but the strength of the message is every bit as rock-ribbed. This would be a very good time to take that trip to Rocky Point with the girls. You could have a whale of a time, and when you come back in through the kitchen entrance, you will probably hear, "Any more chili out there, Darlin'? We're gonna need a big ole garbage bag here pretty soon."

Starting around Dec. 1, there is an endless parade of football Bowl games, which culminates with Super Bowl Sunday, usually around the end of January.

Each day or night for approximately eight weeks, there will be a National Champion crowned at some level, until the Grand Finale when Janet Jackson appears, or someone equally worthy of our supplications. Almost every college team in America will be involved and, of course, almost every Pro team.

It's the American way. It is a feeding frenzy. It's the running of the bulls. It is Tarzan among the vines. Testosterone rules.

Don't fight it, ladies.

Valentine's Day is just around the corner.

For a while, however, you must be patient and gentle. In other words, you must assume the mantle of womanhood as proscribed in the King Arthur tales and defended with vigor by knights of chivalry throughout the great crusades. You must be chaste and aloof and unsullied by the coarseness of rough-hewn men.

Men must be allowed to butt heads and lock horns and bugle.

When the chips and beer cans and paper bowls have finally cleared, you will be remembered for either saintly service or witchy whining.

Not one single aspect of your magnificent personality or womanly gifts will count other than these.

If you are looking for fair, check out Iowa in August.

Your man, however, will recover from this trance. Trust me. I've seen it.

There will be a delicate period of withdrawal later when he will desperately search every channel looking for anything sports-related. But something will shock him back to reality.

Maybe he will suddenly find himself rooting for the Birmingham Power Balls over the Chattanooga Choo Choos in the Roller Rink finals.

Disgusted and feeling abandoned, he will come searching for comfort and understanding. Those of you who play your cards right during this period will achieve a deserved place in the arcade of Saintly Women. Not incidentally, you will be showered with affection and lavish gifts on Valentine's Day. The grateful mood could even last into March, when March Madness and The Final Four will demand his complete attention.

Hey, at least he is staying at home where you can keep an eye on him. Isn't he? Girls?

I don't know about the Mars/Venus thing. It makes sense on a certain level, I guess, and why not? Great marriages are a result of both parties bringing needed pieces to the relationship. The bubble should always be on level -- balanced by equal parts of strength and weakness where needed. Just because I know how to operate a chain saw and crank a Harley should never overrule your ability to set a wonderful table and cook a great meal for my Momma and Daddy.

In fact, I should be expected to take out the trash and walk the dog and be nice to your Momma and Daddy once in a while.

I only protest in honor of all Manhood, whatever that is, so indulge me, will you? I represent an Icon.

Trust me, Willie and Waylon and all the Outlaws had their limits. Willie's wife once sewed him up in a bedsheet until he agreed to quit drinkin' (briefly). We are all products of our environment.

Here's to equality and Great Love in relationships.

Be your lovin' best this year.

Editor's note: Noble Collins' column, "The Edge of Payson," runs every other Wednesday in the free publication, The Rim Review.

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