It occurred to me today, after reading the paper and getting too uptight, that I've been taking life too seriously lately. With that in mind, I went back and reread the front section the Jan. 12 Payson Roundup with a more lighthearted attitude. Here's the result:
Page 1: Having read the rules for the Best of Payson awards, I see they've pretty much eliminated cheating again. Guess I won't be winning this year either.
Page 1: In reference the complaints about dog-owning seniors who "can't bend over to get the poop," I'd like to point out that it isn't bending over that's the problem. It's getting back up again at our age and forgetting what's in your hand when you spot an old friend and dash over to shake hands.
Page 2: I see that Rick Renzi wants to find a way to reward people who use biomass fuel as an alternative energy source. Hey, Rick, while in Pakistan I lived near a place called the Pattycake Factory where they slapped poop into little tortilla-like things, dried them in the sun, and cooked with them. How about a hands-on workshop over at the Payson Off-Leash Park?
Page 2: Having read the seven suggestions made by the water task force, I see they left one out. "Learn to write suggestions in understandable English."
Page 2: Mayor Edwards, speaking of the drive-by shooting of a lawyer's office, said it should not have taken place in Payson, but he failed to mention where he thought it should have taken place. The Valley, I suppose. Dang it. Those folks get everything.
Page 3: I was saddened to see that Payson Parks and Recreation is once again offering to take "live Christmas trees" and run them through a wood chipper.
Page 4: Someone wrote in saying that he missed hearing the Sawmill horn for a week. My advice is -- Don't worry. Just move a little closer to it and you won't be able to hear anything at all after a month or two.
Page 5: Someone else wrote in asking why middle schools kiddos didn't get report cards mailed home during the break. The reply was that they didn't send them, because they wanted to keep the students "academically engaged right up to the break." Having been a teacher, I can translate that from educationese for you: "Don't ask me to (bleeping) calculate (bleeping) grades on the last (bleeping) day before the (bleeping) break."
Page 6: I see that each member of the selection committee for the new school superintendent will "act as a committee of one" by silently scoring candidate applications "without sharing thoughts with each other." I can translate that educationese for you, too: "I ain't lettin'' no bunch of argumentative %$%#@! citizens shoot off their big mouths while I have to listen to them!"
Ah-h-h. That feels a lot better than the last time I read it.