A New Legend Out Of The West



Warning! The following may not be suitable for all persons: In addition, the truth of this matter cannot be verified. But, there is a pretty well-established rumor going around that the town of Payson does not actually exist.

It seems that a secret task force has been looking into the matter for several months, and has possibly reached the legal opinion that the town charter is not valid. If true, the city government, all departments, may be required to close down and refund public monies until correct legal procedures can be established. Any persons actually having knowledge of where (or whether) hard assets of the town might actually exist, must report immediately to the sheriff. A special parking space will be provided, if possible.

Apparently an old land grant has turned up giving ownership of "All Territory north of Punkin Corner and extending to Jackrabbit, in deed and in perpetuity" to a small band of pioneers who first settled the area. Little is actually known of this group. They kept no history, but had peculiar rituals, which have survived, to some extent. They were made up of outcast philatelists, thespians and oculists shunned by society throughout their travels. Quite naturally, righteous folk would have nothing to do with them. At one point, they seem to have belonged to a mysterious cult of cartographers, but there was an apparent split, and that trail was not properly mapped.

The land had previously been under the control of a mystical Apache known as Tonto. This ubiquitous man would appear from time to time to fight for the rights of settlers, which was somewhat unusual in those days. In Apache, I think, "Tonto" means Renegade He, and a strange, shy man who always wore an old child's mask, were stewards of the land due to a little known document -- "The Lost Czechoslavic Mine Treaty." It mostly concerned an old silver mine, which furnished many of their adornments. The tall, shy man even named his horse after the mine -- very unusual for a black stallion... Together, he and Tonto formed a legendary team to right wrongs and show their abhorrence of injustice, mostly to settlers.

When presented with a land grant superceding the treaty, both guardians of the tract were heard to say, "Kimosaabee!" which caused the ladies present to blush profusely. Nevertheless, the property was conveyed to the little band without incident, and off into the sunset rode the pair, with a hearty... some kind of utterance.

From there, the small band of pioneers grew in size and diversity. Some say they were later joined by veterinarians of the Civil War. It is known that one segment became numismatists. In any event, it is this motley band to which the present town of Payson quite possibly owes its early history.

When asked for an update on the ongoing research, Mayor Edwards expressed some surprise at the question, and had no comment. Many town officials have denied that any such issue exists. In many town offices, though, lights have been on late at night and pizza delivery trucks have been seen in the area.

So far, it seems unclear whether Star Valley would be affected. According to an unnamed source, no distinct geographic lines have been determined. One possible outcome might be that Star Valley owns all the water and newspaper rights in the area. Another unnamed source in Payson was quoted as saying, "From my cold dead hands!" Fortunately clear heads and cordial relationships have prevailed. Whatever other legacies were left by the intrepid band of pioneers, "Rim Spirit" seems to be widespread.

Sources in Rye, Strawberry and Pine have reported interested groups keeping a close, but benign, watch. No militia or National Guard could be called in the event of squabbles. No one is left to call, but the point is moot for now. Rationality and civility have always been at the forefront of Rim Country issues, and are expected to rule the day.

The town of Payson has about all it can handle at the moment, with a recent outbreak of lithology and reports of an increase in traipsing. Highly placed sources indicate that although the matter of a town charter is the primary concern, there is no reason for panic. All issues are being adequately addressed, other highly placed sources responded with a blank stare.

It has been noticed that all town services and McDonald's have appeared unfazed. Perhaps the rumor is false. I urge all good citizens to be patient and abide peacefully by whatever outcome emerges. Rumors, gossip and misunderstanding have never been prevalent in our dealings with one another and should not be allowed to start now.

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