Visions Of Vortexes

THE EDGE OF PAYSON

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The word is slowly getting out, so make sure you are prepared. Payson is the next Sedona. Don't just take my word for it. Check out the latest copy of "Meteorology and Mythology" (subtitled: weather or whether.) It's at all the newsstands.

Sedona, as you know, is the "vortex" capital of this hemisphere. Complex emanations arise from various points within the earth, which heal the mind, body and spirit. Believers include many landowners and bankers. Strange, but friendly, auras and micro waves of energy (or relaxation -- it gets confusing) seem to surge forth at certain places known as vortexes, or is it vortices? Anyway, visitors and pilgrims seeking a life-altering experience flock to Sedona by the thousands each year to absorb this stimulating, relaxing boost of energy.

As one might expect, a small local trade has evolved in Sedona, which caters to the needs of those far from home who may have packed in haste. Things like toothpaste, shave cream and turquoise bracelets are easily found. Statues and paintings, difficult to bring along, are abundantly available. Adding to the overall feeling of serenity and brotherhood, a meal or a night's lodging is always available from local tradesfolk for a nominal fee ("nominal" -- an old word meaning the deed to one's house or a small child.) It is a combination that has apparently worked well for indigent "Sedonians." A tiny lot off an enclosed alley there recently sold for eight million dollars. The seller immediately moved to Arkansas.

The vortices are the main attractions of Sedona (along with some nice rock formations I'm told.) Souvenirs, trinkets and objets d'art abound, however, to make visitors feel comfortably at home. Whether these energy fields are inexhaustible has never been determined. It should come as no surprise, then, that vortex hunters have begun to research other areas of the state for possible additional sites.

Six federal grants were issued before it was noticed that the wording said energy renewal, not "Renewable Energy." Rather than rescind the grants, Congress has agreed to spend the money anyway, even though eight out of ten Congressmen could not locate Sedona on a map. The other two couldn't find Arizona.

Payson has come under close scrutiny. A well-documented phenomenon, taken for granted by most Paysonites, has led to the discovery that the town may be one huge vortex. No, it's not the marvelous social atmosphere and peaceful contentment found here, classy as that is. It is the swirling winds aloft which keep moisture at the perimeters of the town and allow surrounding locales to get most of the rain and snow.

Perhaps you have noticed this quirk, but assumed it is random. Not so, according to professional vortex hunters. Clouds form over the Rim. Then, in a counterclockwise motion, they proceed north until they get to Strawberry where they take a left turn and head over to the Mazatzals. Down the mountains they go, southward, until they empty their precious accumulation somewhere in a remote forest. Sometimes clouds are seen forming south of town. Then, they swirl in a clockwise motion, getting Pine and Strawberry wet on the way to the northeast side of the Rim, where they dump their cargo. No one knows the exact location of these rendezvous. The pattern is obvious to seasoned vortex observers, however. It is suggested, but unproven, that a new six billion dollar water park in downtown Phoenix has inside information. Also, the Supreme Court recently upheld the right of every homeowner in Scottsdale to have a backyard pool of at least 50,000 gallons of water. Under a mandate, each Habitat for Humanity home in the Valley must have its own pool.

The vortex phenomenon, whirling water away from Payson to unknown locales, has not gone unnoticed. We supply the rainwater, which assures our southern neighbors an unlimited pattern of insatiable growth.

Once Payson is "outed" as a major vortex, can silver and turquoise be far behind? Apparently, the only recourse will be for the town to devote its future energies to the development of "shops" to accommodate hordes of the curious and the convinced. I tell you, folks, we are on the verge of a huge boom in tourism here. Before you know it, traffic may become a problem.

Now, before you decide to take unreasonable and possibly harmful action --

APRIL FOOL!

You knew it, didn't you?

(OK, it's a few days off, but the newspaper insists on a deadline).

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