This Just In: Congressmen Research Quebec Beans


The FDA elevated its food warning alert to red throughout the Holidays.

All food consumption was affected.

Documents had apparently come to light which revealed great vulnerability among the American People to weight gain, gastric disorders and lethargy during holiday periods.

Merriment is still under review, but will be monitored.

From now on, all turkeys must now display a warning label stating, "Caution, contains Tryptophan - may induce naps - not to be consumed while operating heavy machinery."

Alcoholic beverages must have an additional cautionary note not only to warn women who are pregnant, but also warn that consumption may lead to a condition known as "silly," which has been found to cause pregnancy in certain instances.

Pumpkins are allowed - the canned versions - after heavy rinsing - rendering them completely worthless. If it is canned and labeled "Pumpkin Pie Makin's", You can probably take a chance.

Some of the usual warnings will continue to apply: cranberries are not for popping; stuffing is not a verb; no edible form of rutabagas has ever been determined

The rat tests

A definite link has been found between caloric intake and weight gain.

Rats were fed eight pounds of cornbread a day for a month.

Two types of cornbread were used in the test: good old stone ground cornbread made with onion and buttermilk and another version resembling sweet cake, also called cornbread. Not even the rats would eat the sweet stuff.

Enough of the other was consumed, however, to show a strong trend if not absolute proof.

Eight pounds of cornbread a day, while tasty, is a definite link to weight gain.

The test was somewhat vague as to how to define stuffing or dressing. Neither can be used as verbs for the test, though.

Fattening veggies

Several so-called vegetables remain on the "banned completely" list .

Among them are rutabagas (aka turnips), Brussels sprouts, cauliflower and spinach (added this year).

Asparagus narrowly missed being added to the list. Canned asparagus made it. Canned asparagus has been shown to have no known resemblance to human food.

Sweet potatoes are finally distinguished from yams and separately classified for the first time in history. In a blind taste test, 49 percent of the panel could not identify the difference, but the majority ruled.

There was an investigation concerning hanging chads, but nothing conclusive resulted. Seventeen thousand Southern cookbooks (a small percentage) have decided to change their listing for "candied yams," however.

In the ever-vigilant effort to protect Americans from culinary terrorism, all fried foods are to be either eliminated or must be cooked in a new product which is made from pristine soybeans grown only on remote mountainsides in Quebec.

Whether this increases our dependence on foreign oil has not been resolved. The decree has been well received up north, though. As one Canadian friend exclaimed, "Good for us, eh?"

Many congressmen were observed studying maps to locate Quebec.

Cakes, pies, ice cream and candy have received the annual Presidential pardon.

Congress is considering a removal of the ban on sweets, anyway, in the spirit of the Twenty First Amendment.

Organizations such as Weight Watchers and Jennie Craig threaten a mass march on Washington if this is carried out, and hundreds of authors of best selling "diet" books have shown solidarity. At present, only essential products such as, "Little Debbies" and oatmeal cookies are exempt.

It should be interesting to see how a shift in power in Congress will address this issue.

Secured cranberries

On a slightly different note, my visit to my South Carolina relatives was grand.

As I reported last year, travel was uneventful, even pleasant, with one notable exception.

My wife had prepared a delicious cranberry relish to be taken along for the Thanksgiving meal. It was contained in a small jelly jar, tightly sealed and placed in plain view on top of other items in my carry-on.

When going through security, however, the contraband was confiscated. The offense was that it exceeded three ounces.

My inquiry as to whether this was a measurement of volume or weight only brought dark frowns.

I offered to open the jar and eat several spoonfuls to reduce the offending weight, but this only brought more frowns and moved several TSA types in my direction, ready for anything.

Not wishing to miss my flight, I said no more and backed away slowly from the check point.

Apparently, no one heard me mumble, "I hope you enjoy it," under my breath.

So, this Holiday Season I hope we all felt safe from "Food Danger."

We are being lovingly protected on all sides. Obesity is being corralled by the FDA, and the world is safe from explosive cranberry sauce.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, it to weave your way carefully through all the hype and enjoy a wonderful New Year.

I wish you well.

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