Movie Review: You Don't Mess With The Zohan

Don't mess with this movie


"You Don't Mess with the Zohan" is closer akin to a "Roadrunner" movie than anything else -- a kind of live action cartoon.

Don't mess with this movie unless you are into sexually loaded site gags (gag being the operative word), nonsensical violence, dialog that is largely unintelligible or Adam Sandler.

There are far too many bare backsides and sexually suggestive scenes involving the 35-year-old "hero" satisfying elderly women as part of his "dream" job as a New York hair stylist.

Let's start from the beginning.

The movie opens on a beach in Israel filled with scantily clad, oily tanned bodies. Zoom in on the hero strutting through the crowd, engaging in supercharged hacky sack, females fawning all over him and dissolve to a beach barbecue with Zohan cooking in the buff. Mossad agents arrive by helicopter and take the "hero" away.

A Palestinian assassin, The Phantom, is on the loose, one Zohan had captured before, but was traded for hostages. Zohan says he will capture him again.

The next set of scenes is a series of ridiculous fights, including Zohan catching flying bullets in his hands and nostrils. Zohan catches his prey in the water, speeding through the waves like a dolphin and grabbing onto the back of the personal watercraft the bad guy has commandeered. The fight dissolves into a water ping-pong game with a grenade, which eventually explodes. Leading everyone to believe the hero is dead.

Not so. He has faked his death to escape the violence of the Middle East and go to New York City to become a Paul Mitchell hair stylist.

Zohan is laughed out of the Paul Mitchell studio he goes to, but then rescues a bicyclist from a bullying businessman.

Zohan is invited home for a meal by the young biker and afterward thanks the boy's mother in the bedroom.

Eventually Zohan gets a job in a hair salon, owned by a beautiful Palestinian woman. His job is sweeping up, but eventually he gets a chance to cut hair. His unique after-treatment builds a huge clientele, with women lining the block to see him.

The shop owner and other merchants in the neighborhood -- Palestinians on one side of the street, Israelis on the other -- are being priced out of their shops by a corporate monster with visions of being the next Donald Trump.

When high rents don't do the trick, instigating a riot among the uneasy neighbors is attempted.

In the meantime, one of Zohan's victims -- he stole the guy's soup-fetching goat -- spots him in the shop and plots with friends to either do away with our hero or out The Phantom for fraudulently claiming he killed the agent.

Eventually, The Phantom and Zohan face each other in the street. Zohan refuses to fight. The salon owner, with whom our hero has fallen in love, reveals herself to be The Phantom's sister. She stands by her man in his decision not to fight.

Then a crew of redneck terrorists starts fire bombing the shops and it is up to Zohan and The Phantom to fight them together.

All ends well, if unbelievably.

If a movie along these lines is something you'd like to see, I would recommend revisiting an oldie but a goodie. Rent "Blazing Saddles."

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