I can imagine what my wife would say if I asked her to help me run down a skunk. I refer to the gent who called Star Valley Town Hall a couple of weeks ago to complain to the girls there regarding a skunk that had taken up residence under his house. Now I see that the whole skunk issue has raised quite a stink in the Rim Country with one town hall lady suggesting the gentleman drown the cute little critter and another lady writing to the editor with the advice that he catch the polecat and release it in the forest. I would like to witness either event — through a good pair of binoculars. Anyhow, I have had to deal with a few skunks lately, so I thought I would apply some cowboy logic to the dilemma and maybe help anyone with a similar problem.
First, try the easy method of getting rid of a skunk: when you see him strutting around with his tail at full mast, just crawl toward him. Side up to him friendly-like patting the ground with one hand (skunk talk). Motion with your free hand for him to leave the premises while saying, “shoo! shoo! shoo!” You don’t have to talk loudly, as skunks hear quite well and sometimes loud noises offend their gentle sensibilities.
If this first method doesn’t work — strip down, hose off outside, burn your clothing then fill your bathtub with tomato juice and enjoy a good, long soak. Shower off and roll in Triple Action Gold Bond Powder while you are still wet. At this point you may want to open the doors and windows of your house depending on whether the smell is stronger outside or inside. You should probably ask for a second opinion as your nose membranes could be cauterized which would affect your ability to assess the situation. Don’t ask the girls at town hall; they are still laughing.
Now you are ready to put plan two into action.
Put on coveralls and goggles and wait until the skunk goes to sleep. Very quietly, sneak up on him, (remember, skunks hear real well) roll him over on his back real gentle-like and duct tape his mouth shut in case he has rabies. Now, put a cat halter on him. Hopefully you can accomplish this without waking him up! Snap a lead rope to the halter and swing it around your head fast enough that he can’t turn his tail toward you, then turn loose and launch him toward Pete’s Place.
If method two doesn’t work, dispose of your goggles, burn your coveralls, and smear your body with catsup — maybe add a little lemon juice this time. Try to coax your cat out of the tree, apologize to him and buy him a new halter.
Don’t get discouraged. Wait for your next chance. You are gaining experience and showing the skunk just who is boss.
If you already have a fishpond, lucky you! If not, you will need to get a shovel and dig one. Fill the pond with water and pray for a late freeze. When the pond freezes over, cut a hole in the ice large enough to accommodate Peppy Le Pew. Open a can of peas and drain off the liquid. Lay a sparse trail of peas from the skunk’s den under your house to the hole in the frozen fishpond. Then pour a generous amount of peas around the hole. When the skunk bends over to take a pea, you can kick him in the ice hole.
If method three fails, repeat the tomato juice and lemon routine.
I have one final piece of advice. I recall an old cowboy who claimed to have a surefire remedy for getting rid of skunks. Cowboys often slept out and had to worry about rabid skunks — like we still do today. As I recall, the old cowboy’s remedy involved an equal mixture of cayenne pepper, broken glass, black powder, jalapenos and roofing nails. The mixture, about a pound, depending on the size of the perpetrator, should be poured in the polecat’s hole precisely at midnight during the time of a blood moon. A few words should be uttered along with the application to ensure its success. Allow the words to roll off your tongue. “A skunk sat on a stump. The stump said the skunk stunk and the skunk said the stump stunk.” Of course, you will need someone to help you hold the skunk during this procedure. Don’t ask the girls at town hall; they are still laughing ...
Como Siempré, Jinx